The past few months have been a struggle.  I have been balancing school and work, both of which have been points of stress.  School hasn't been as much of a problem (just making time mostly).  Work has been stressful as I have dealt with an array of problems and people's attitudes and criticisms.  Not to mention witnessing my incredible coworkers struggles as they've had to deal with some of the same issues as well.  To top it off, yesterday my apartment had plumbing problems and I had to miss the first day of a writer's symposium that I have been looking forward to for months.

As I turned my car around and began driving back to my apartment to deal with the plumbing problems I found myself plagued by feelings of despair, disappointment, inadequacy.  I began talking with God, as I often do when I feel this way, and let all of the feelings and thoughts come pouring from my lips.  I was done. I was done caring so much about everything and everyone.  I was done hoping for good things to happen.  I was done with expecting happiness in my life because it always seemed just beyond my reach.  And honestly, I was doubting whether or not I deserved it.

I got to my apartment and spent the day sitting around as people came in and out trying to asses how to resolve the issues.  My spirits lifted a little as the day dragged on but I still a bit melancholy.  The plumbing problems had been mostly resolved by the time I had to go to class, which meant that once class was over I would be able to attend the rest of the symposium.  Finally, something good!

This morning as I waited for one of my panels to start I decided to go over some poetry I wrote back in August for a Poetry Marathon, editing a few things here and there, and listening to a playlist I created to help me keep in the writing mood.

I was reviewing a poem entitled "Dear Future Self" when the song "From Now On" from the soundtrack for The Greatest Showman came on.  I didn't think much of it--far to focused on the task at hand--but as I read the poem and as the music built an incredible thing happened.  I came to the end of the poem and read the words, my words:

". . . I hope we are still smiling each day
or at least as often as we can.
I hope we know that we are loved.

Dear Future Self,
Please know that I am still rooting for us.
I still have hope for us.
I still believe in us. . . ."

Then I heard these words:

"And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home again."

Tears formed in my eyes (and they're doing it again!) as an overwhelming sense of love flooded over me.  It was an affirmation.  Not only did my Heavenly Father hear everything I had said just 24 hours earlier, He was letting me know that I was wrong.  I am loved.  I am valued.  I deserve to be happy.

Last semester I had an experience that confirmed my belief that some things, even little ones, happen for a reason, and sometimes we don't see the chain until later.  The inspiration to write a simple letter-poem to my future self, written at a time when I felt like I could conquer the world, did in fact help my future self at a time when the world seemed too much to bear.

You are all beautiful, wonderful human beings with the potential for greatness, no matter how big or small.

Keep fighting on everyone.  I believe in you!

A Heart Filled with Gratitude

My heart is full of gratitude this morning.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is very much aware of exactly what we need in our life and when we need it.  I am grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and for the opportunity I have to watch General Conference every April and October.

Last weekend was the 185th Semi-Annual General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS or "Mormon" as they are commonly called).  There were so many amazing talks given and I truly felt the spirit in each session (cried like a baby every session, too, which honestly isn't anything new).

I will be reading the talks shared at conference over the next few days, sharing my thoughts and feelings here on my blog as I do, so get ready for some seriously spiritual stuff over the next week or two!  But first, I have some thoughts to share right now.

Saturday morning for the closing hymn the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang "Come, Come, Ye Saints".  For those who may not know, this particular hymn was written by William Clayton, an early member of The Church, while crossing the plains to Utah.  

As I listened to the song I had a sudden realization.  You see, in the past whenever I heard the song I always thought about all of the pains and struggles of those early Pioneers, getting really emotional as the words of the hymn struck a chord in my heart.  But that morning, for the first time ever, I heard the song as a message to me and other Latter-Day Saints, especially those first two verses:

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;

But with joy wend your way.

Though hard to you this journey may appear,

Grace shall be as your day.

'Tis better far for us to strive

Our useless cares from us to drive;

Do this, and joy your hearts will swell--

All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?

'Tis not so; all is right.

Why should we think to earn a great reward

If we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.

Our God will never us forsake;

And soon we'll have this tale to tell--

All is well! All is well! 

This song was written for the Saints.  Not the early pioneers, not those who crossed the plains, but the Saints, including us!  After all, our church does say Latter-Day Saints, doesn't it?  We may not have to cross the plains in covered wagons, leaving behind our homes and many of our physical, worldly possessions.  But we do have to sacrifice, we do face trials that test our faith every day of our lives.  Temptations that will lead us to question our faith, the Prophet, even God.  Trials that sometimes feel like there is no way to get out of them.

Courage, brothers and sisters.  Courage, because God is on our side.  He is ALWAYS on our side.  He wants us to be our best, to have the very best and to return to him.  He wants us to be happy, truly happy.  And it is through Him who gave all that we can attain that true happiness.  Happiness like we have never felt with the things of the world, or the expectations and standards of society.  This happiness transcends this earth, spans into eternity.

If you are struggling with your faith, if you are feeling bogged down by the world or by mistakes you ave made, please, please, please do NOT give up.  Satan is trying every minute of every day to bring us down, to make us as miserable as he is.  Do not let him win.  I know that is easier said than done.  Trust me, it has taken me years to get where I am today and I still struggle.  But if we take it one day at a time, putting our faith in God and in our Savior each morning when we wake up, we can and we will be able to make it back to them. 

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the truthfulness of the Gospel.  I am grateful for parents who raised me in the church, and for my ancestors who were first willing to hear the message of the Gospel so that I could have the privilege of living it every day of my life. 

Have an awesome Thursday my friends.  Stay strong, and smile!