A Little Bit Stronger

It hurts. Really hurts. To the point where I can't even look at pictures of them because every time I do I feel like my chest is being cut open and my heart is being ripped out.

How am I supposed to be OK with it? I mean, how does someone throw his or her self out in front of a train, get hit head on, and be OK every time a train goes by? That's what it feels like. I took a chance, told him that I loved him, and for what? Just so my heart, that was already broken and in pain, could practically get pulverized by one letter, a letter that while on the surface wasn't unkind, it's meaning stuck deep, like a dagger plunged into my chest. No, more like a sword running me through entirely. Now I am supposed to run around with a shaft of metal through my chest and pretend that everything is OK?

Well, it's not.

When I am with him it's not so bad, I can forget that they aren't in a relationship, that he chose her, and I can be his friend without a problem, without feeling the pain. But once she is in the picture it's as if the blade is being twisted around inside of me.

So what do I do? How am I supposed to just move on without even so much as looking back, wishing I had done something differently--spend less time with him, tell him how I felt sooner--anything to keep what has happened from happening?

Even now though, I don't know that I would want to change anything. Yes it hurts so bad that some days I just want to curl up and disappear. But, there are so many good things tied into all of this that to be rid of it completely I know I wouldn't be half as pleased with my life.

It's so unsettling, so unfair, so confusing...I'm really not sure what to do.

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That's where I was a few weeks ago. At times I still feel that way but reasoning through it all, I am glad that I have this experience to share with people. I am glad that it happened because I feel like I have actually grown from it. I know what it is to fall in love, and I know that I am strong enough to conquer whatever challenges come my way.

He and I are friends, and to be honest, I think that it helped to strengthen that bond, something else that I am extremely grateful for. Was it hard, yes. Do I wish I could have gotten what I have from it all without the pain, of course. But I know that's not possible and even though it's still hard some days, I know I'll be okay.

A Little Bit Stronger

Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger...

...Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger