Recently I was called to be the Relief Society Secretary for my Singles Ward. That in an of itself was an experience I will have to share but at a later date. Anyways, I have been assigned to teach a lesson in Relief Society at the end of next month, and I have been trying to think of what to teach about.
I have been struggling as of late with self-confidence and my own self image. Not that I have super low self confidence or image really, but I know it could be so much better. I have struggled with believing that I am beautiful and loving myself as I am. This may come as a shock to some people, mostly because I do a great job at hiding it and pretending it doesn't bother me. Do be honest, for a long time it didn't. It was just something in the back of my mind that I never really thought about. It wasn't important.
But, after my last post I decided that it was time to change. It was time for me to begin working towards that place where I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Yes, I am beautiful and I love myself" and mean it. I mean, I could look in the mirror all day and tell myself that, but it doesn't mean I believe it. I have several things to work on, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but I am willing to work on them and I have every intention of making it to that place.
Thus sparked the idea for my beauty project. It began March 10 and so far I have been feeling better. Still not where I want to be, but that is alright.
My plan is to work on loving myself, work on believing that I am beautiful and that I am of value, and when the time comes, I want my lesson to those beautiful Relief Society sisters I get to teach to be about how much worth they have, how beautiful they are. I want them to know how much they are loved. And I want to share my journey with them.
To do that, I have been trying to keep a journal account of each day that I am doing this project. As many of you know, I am horrible at journal writing (about as bad as my blog updating) but I am not going to let that stop me from trying. If you make a goal and fail it just means you have to try a little harder next time. It in no way says you are incapable of doing it.
The reason I am telling all of you about this is I want to share some of my experiences with you as well. Perhaps include some excerpts from my "Beautiful Diary" that I am keeping. For now, we'll just leave it as an introduction.
Have a beautiful day everyone, because you are worth it and you deserve it!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Feels...Ugh...
So, last night I had an interesting experience. When I say interesting I mean I haven't had an experience quite like it before. It wasn't anything severe or super bad, so don't worry about that.
Two of my friends who live up north came down for a visit. We played games, ate food, and had a glowstick dance party (by the way, ever broken open a glow stick and dumped the glowy stuff into a bottle of Bubbles? You should, it's so awesome).
The last game of the night was like a modern version of Clue. Tons of fun, but I was so super tired I really didn't bring my A-game, that's for sure. Anywho, as we were playing I closed my eyes for a bit and thought about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to lean my head on and just fall asleep.
That's when the thought came to me that it wasn't going to happen.
Immediately I opened my eyes and, in my head, questioned what just happened. It wasn't like one of those moments when you're at a wedding and it seems like every other person in the room has someone while you're sitting alone and you think, "I'm never going to find a guy." No, it was less dramatic and more...final I guess.
It was weird because I didn't start to feel bad about it at all. It was just a fact (or seemed like one), like "The sky is blue" or "Snow is cold." Just "You're not going to get a boyfriend."
How awful is that? I mean seriously. In my mind's defense I was rather tired and it was about 1:00 in the morning. But, still, that was totally uncalled for.
Of course, my mind added to that thought, "at least not for a very long time." After it had so bluntly thought that it wasn't going to happen at all, I couldn't help doubting the last bit just a little and finally came to the "conclusion" that, for the rest of my life or the majority of it, I would be single.
Though these thoughts were depressing (REALLY depressing) I didn't feel anything. It was weird, kind of like being in a daze after you've been hit with something. You know there's pain, and you should be feeling it, but you just...don't.
This morning when I woke up I was starting to feel the melancholy of those lingering thoughts and honestly they have been a distraction all day. These thoughts have started to pave the way for other unhappy thoughts, such as "How can I be so amazing and so great, yet I've never had a boyfriend, when girls who aren't in any better place (not necessarily worse, but not better) than I am have or do?"
I know what anyone who is in a relationship (dating or married) will probably say. "Oh, don't worry, you're time will come" or "When it happens it'll be worth it" and "It will happen when it's supposed to", etc. I appreciate their sentiments, and I realize that at one point they have been on this side of the fence so they do have something up on me in that way, but seriously, it doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel any better having someone tell me that because telling isn't enough. How do you know someone loves and cares about you? They show you and honestly, there hasn't been a whole lot of showing for me (and I swear if anyone says anything about me not trying hard enough I will sooo not be pleased. You don't know where I've been or what I've done in that regards, and those that do, know that I HAVE TRIED).
Then there are the questions of what have I done with my life? Has anything that I've done or been through made any kind of a difference? Most importantly, where the heck am I going? I mean, I know that I want to get my Bachelor's degree in Theater and I want to become a published author, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah, but then what? Where the heck am I supposed to go after that? It's like I'm traveling down a road towards something but I can't see what it is. I have no idea what it is. Some people would say, "You don't have to know, just enjoy the journey" but how do I know I'm even on the right path? How do I know I'm even going in the right direction, not so much that I'm making good choices vs. bad choices, but that the choices are the best choices vs. good or better?
I know I need to ask, but to be honest, I'm not sure I trust myself enough to get the answer I'm supposed to. There have been times in the past where I felt so sure that I had the right answer and then it was just gone and I was wrong.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Don't worry everyone, I will be fine. I'm just in a funk right now and needed to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head.
In spite of feeling this way and not being too sure about a lot of things, there are a few things that I am absolutely sure of. God lives and loves me just as much as anyone else in this world. Jesus Christ is my Savior and He loves me so much that He gave His life and suffered through so much so that I have a chance to make it back to the presence of my Heavenly Father. Finally, the Church is TRUE.
These things I know, and nothing will ever change that.
Two of my friends who live up north came down for a visit. We played games, ate food, and had a glowstick dance party (by the way, ever broken open a glow stick and dumped the glowy stuff into a bottle of Bubbles? You should, it's so awesome).
The last game of the night was like a modern version of Clue. Tons of fun, but I was so super tired I really didn't bring my A-game, that's for sure. Anywho, as we were playing I closed my eyes for a bit and thought about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to lean my head on and just fall asleep.
That's when the thought came to me that it wasn't going to happen.
Immediately I opened my eyes and, in my head, questioned what just happened. It wasn't like one of those moments when you're at a wedding and it seems like every other person in the room has someone while you're sitting alone and you think, "I'm never going to find a guy." No, it was less dramatic and more...final I guess.
It was weird because I didn't start to feel bad about it at all. It was just a fact (or seemed like one), like "The sky is blue" or "Snow is cold." Just "You're not going to get a boyfriend."
How awful is that? I mean seriously. In my mind's defense I was rather tired and it was about 1:00 in the morning. But, still, that was totally uncalled for.
Of course, my mind added to that thought, "at least not for a very long time." After it had so bluntly thought that it wasn't going to happen at all, I couldn't help doubting the last bit just a little and finally came to the "conclusion" that, for the rest of my life or the majority of it, I would be single.
Though these thoughts were depressing (REALLY depressing) I didn't feel anything. It was weird, kind of like being in a daze after you've been hit with something. You know there's pain, and you should be feeling it, but you just...don't.
This morning when I woke up I was starting to feel the melancholy of those lingering thoughts and honestly they have been a distraction all day. These thoughts have started to pave the way for other unhappy thoughts, such as "How can I be so amazing and so great, yet I've never had a boyfriend, when girls who aren't in any better place (not necessarily worse, but not better) than I am have or do?"
I know what anyone who is in a relationship (dating or married) will probably say. "Oh, don't worry, you're time will come" or "When it happens it'll be worth it" and "It will happen when it's supposed to", etc. I appreciate their sentiments, and I realize that at one point they have been on this side of the fence so they do have something up on me in that way, but seriously, it doesn't help. It doesn't make me feel any better having someone tell me that because telling isn't enough. How do you know someone loves and cares about you? They show you and honestly, there hasn't been a whole lot of showing for me (and I swear if anyone says anything about me not trying hard enough I will sooo not be pleased. You don't know where I've been or what I've done in that regards, and those that do, know that I HAVE TRIED).
Then there are the questions of what have I done with my life? Has anything that I've done or been through made any kind of a difference? Most importantly, where the heck am I going? I mean, I know that I want to get my Bachelor's degree in Theater and I want to become a published author, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah, but then what? Where the heck am I supposed to go after that? It's like I'm traveling down a road towards something but I can't see what it is. I have no idea what it is. Some people would say, "You don't have to know, just enjoy the journey" but how do I know I'm even on the right path? How do I know I'm even going in the right direction, not so much that I'm making good choices vs. bad choices, but that the choices are the best choices vs. good or better?
I know I need to ask, but to be honest, I'm not sure I trust myself enough to get the answer I'm supposed to. There have been times in the past where I felt so sure that I had the right answer and then it was just gone and I was wrong.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Don't worry everyone, I will be fine. I'm just in a funk right now and needed to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head.
In spite of feeling this way and not being too sure about a lot of things, there are a few things that I am absolutely sure of. God lives and loves me just as much as anyone else in this world. Jesus Christ is my Savior and He loves me so much that He gave His life and suffered through so much so that I have a chance to make it back to the presence of my Heavenly Father. Finally, the Church is TRUE.
These things I know, and nothing will ever change that.
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