Some Thoughts

In light of everything going on with COVID-19 I decided to post some of my thoughts about it.  I know, everyone is talking about it right now and it's not always good, but that's precisely why I want to say something.

First of all, I want to let you know that I love you all and I am thinking about you.  I know this can be very scary, especially for my readers in countries and areas where the virus seems most prevalent, for those who are in the high risk groups for this virus, and for those of you who are still feeling in the dark about all of this.

If you've read my blog before then you likely know that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I believe in God and I believe that Jesus Christ is my eternal Savior.  My faith is not always perfect.  I have my doubts about whether or not I am worthy to be loved by such awesome and incredibly loving beings.  I have my doubts about whether or not promises, thoughts, feelings about who I am as a daughter of God are in fact correct.  But in spite of those doubts, in spite of those moments of weakness, I still believe in them, and deep down I know that they will always believe in and love me.  It is my faith that has helped me get through my fears concerning COVID-19.  Trust me, I have had some pretty big fears bubble up inside of me while during all of this.

Something that the majority of you do not now about me is that last June I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.  It was detected early enough that proper medication and some lifestyle changes/improvements have helped A LOT with managing it, which I am extremely grateful for, but it is something that is a part of my life and will likely continue to be a prevalent part of it (I'll have to post about the experience of finding out later). 

The other day I was looking at the CDC's webpage regarding COVID-19, doing my part to educate myself on the virus, how it's spreading, etc.  Guess what I learned?  Among the elderly and immunocompromised, diabetics are also considered a high risk group for this virus.

Oh great, I thought to myself.  Y'all get sick, stay away from me!

While the thought was light hearted and slightly made in jest, I have had to come to very real terms with the fact that COVID-19 is a bigger problem for me than I previously realized.  If I catch it I could have a worse time of it than some of my family, friends, and colleagues (I guess all the sick days I've been accruing the past few years may come in handy).

In coming to terms with this realization I have found that leaning on my faith has been a saving grace for me.  It isn't that I don't think I'll get it - pretty sure I will - it's that I know that if/when it happens, things will be okay for me.  I may not know what "okay" is going to look like, and maybe there will be days/times when I don't think or realize that they are, or I may even forget.  But right now, in this moment, I can rest in the knowledge that I will be okay.

That being said, I know who I am as a person, and I know that I can expect some moments of doubt and yes, even fear in the coming days and weeks.  Honestly though, there's no point in me worrying about it.  Yesterday I was talking with someone about COVID-19 and everything that is happening because of it, and at the end of our conversation she said, "Thank you for talking with me about it.  You're so much more positive about it, and it's been really hard with all of the negativity."

If you are struggling with your fears, doubts, concerns about this virus, please don't be afraid to talk with someone you trust about your feelings.  Seek out information about it and do what you can to help slow the spread. Lovingly educate those around you who may not have all of the information and do what you can to help comfort them in their own fears and worries.

Find something to laugh about.  Whether it's something funny your kids said, a television show or movie or book that you love, or even some ridiculous cat meme or video.  Find those little rays of joy and hold onto them for as long as you are able.

Sing, LOUDLY.  It can be your favorite Taylor Swift song, something from your favorite heavy metal band that just speaks to your soul, a religious hymn, the theme song from your favorite Disney film (Into the Unknooooooooooown! 😉), or just a silly children's song (I've got plenty if you need some ideas).  You don't have to sing it perfectly or know all of the words, just sing it with all your heart.  Music is a universal language that has a magical way of reaching our soul, no matter who, where, or in what situation we are.

Turn to God.  I know from my personal experience that He will comfort you if you bring yourself willingly to him.  If you are not comfortable with that, or just have strong feelings against it, that's okay. 

Please know that while I may not be able to help all of you directly, I will do what I can to help indirectly by doing my part to slow the spread, educating those around me, refusing to add to the fear and panic, and yes praying for you, because I know God has a greater power and reach than I do. 

For information about the virus, please visit www.cdc.org (or your country's equivalent), or www.who.int.  Please do not rely wholly on the news, social media, or the opinions of others.

If you need someone to talk to I am 100% available and willing to be your listening ear.

Stay safe and healthy everyone.  I love you! 💕

Stephanie

Confessions 3-27-18

This is a post I started on 3-27-2018 but for some reason (perhaps because of the content?) I never posted it.  As it's been almost a year since it was first written, I figured it was time to share it.

I wish I wasn't fat.

When people tell me I'm pretty I don't always believe them.

I wonder if I'm really as good at my job as I think I am.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll lose my best friend, that she will fade away like so many of my other friends.

I feel like I'm losing people close to me.

I wish my family would just love each other.

Sometimes I want to disappear.

I haven't been going to church like I should.

I hate that I'm still single.

He doesn't know I love him.

I'm only doing the online dating thing because I feel like I "should".

Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to have anything to do with me.

I miss my mom so much.

I just want to scream.

Sometimes movies/tv shows/books give me anxiety, regardless of the fact that it's "not real".

I hate confrontation.

The past few months have been a struggle.  I have been balancing school and work, both of which have been points of stress.  School hasn't been as much of a problem (just making time mostly).  Work has been stressful as I have dealt with an array of problems and people's attitudes and criticisms.  Not to mention witnessing my incredible coworkers struggles as they've had to deal with some of the same issues as well.  To top it off, yesterday my apartment had plumbing problems and I had to miss the first day of a writer's symposium that I have been looking forward to for months.

As I turned my car around and began driving back to my apartment to deal with the plumbing problems I found myself plagued by feelings of despair, disappointment, inadequacy.  I began talking with God, as I often do when I feel this way, and let all of the feelings and thoughts come pouring from my lips.  I was done. I was done caring so much about everything and everyone.  I was done hoping for good things to happen.  I was done with expecting happiness in my life because it always seemed just beyond my reach.  And honestly, I was doubting whether or not I deserved it.

I got to my apartment and spent the day sitting around as people came in and out trying to asses how to resolve the issues.  My spirits lifted a little as the day dragged on but I still a bit melancholy.  The plumbing problems had been mostly resolved by the time I had to go to class, which meant that once class was over I would be able to attend the rest of the symposium.  Finally, something good!

This morning as I waited for one of my panels to start I decided to go over some poetry I wrote back in August for a Poetry Marathon, editing a few things here and there, and listening to a playlist I created to help me keep in the writing mood.

I was reviewing a poem entitled "Dear Future Self" when the song "From Now On" from the soundtrack for The Greatest Showman came on.  I didn't think much of it--far to focused on the task at hand--but as I read the poem and as the music built an incredible thing happened.  I came to the end of the poem and read the words, my words:

". . . I hope we are still smiling each day
or at least as often as we can.
I hope we know that we are loved.

Dear Future Self,
Please know that I am still rooting for us.
I still have hope for us.
I still believe in us. . . ."

Then I heard these words:

"And we will come back home
And we will come back home
Home again."

Tears formed in my eyes (and they're doing it again!) as an overwhelming sense of love flooded over me.  It was an affirmation.  Not only did my Heavenly Father hear everything I had said just 24 hours earlier, He was letting me know that I was wrong.  I am loved.  I am valued.  I deserve to be happy.

Last semester I had an experience that confirmed my belief that some things, even little ones, happen for a reason, and sometimes we don't see the chain until later.  The inspiration to write a simple letter-poem to my future self, written at a time when I felt like I could conquer the world, did in fact help my future self at a time when the world seemed too much to bear.

You are all beautiful, wonderful human beings with the potential for greatness, no matter how big or small.

Keep fighting on everyone.  I believe in you!

Be Happiness

Lately, I have been struggling. Stresses of work, doing school full time while also working full time, general changes going on in my life, and feelings of inadequacy/mediocrity as I see all of the amazing things that my friends and family are doing with their lives have all been weighing on my mind.

Before the semester started I decided to take a morning LDS Institute class. For those who do not know, Institute is an opportunity for members of the LDS church, mostly young single adults, to delve deeper into the doctrines of our church, learn more about the scriptures, and to hear and receive insights from our peers regarding our beliefs and or questions we may have, far beyond what we may get in our weekly church meetings.

After signing up for the class I was pleasantly surprised to find that the course would be co-taught, and one of the instructors taught my Freshmen Seminary class (like Institute, but for high school students) when I was a in high school.

This morning, as I left the classroom, I heard my teacher tell someone to "Be happiness." The words were familiar, as he had said these same words at the end of every class when I was in high school. I cannot express the joy and comfort I felt in hearing those words again.

In a world where it is so easy to be sad, angry, and just all around negative about, well, everything, it is crucial for us to remember to "Be happiness." Not just to "Be happy" or to "Find happiness", but to be happiness itself, to exemplify it, and most importantly, to share it with others.

I encourage everyone to actively seek to "Be happiness", and to not be afraid to share it with others. It isn't easy, believe me, I have struggled with it A LOT lately. But it is not impossible either.

I want you to know that should you find yourself in a place or a moment where you just can't seem to bring yourself to "Be Happiness", know that that is 100% okay. It's okay to struggle. It's okay to have hard days, weeks, months, even years. Just please don't give up. If you need help, resources, or just a shoulder to lean on, I am here. And if it is something that I can't directly help you with, I am happy to help you find someone who can.

I love you all!

This One's for You, Mom.

This morning I had the opportunity to do a little shopping with my sisters.  It wasn't a big shopping trip--we only hit one store, and we were there less than an hour--but it was nice to spend some time with them.  Especially today.

For our shopping excursion, we went to a jewelry and apparel store at a shopping center near my dad's house.  I had gone with the intention of finding an extender for a necklace I had purchased from the same store last week, and perhaps look for a few more accessories to add to my daily attire.  We looked at the beautiful rings, necklaces, earrings, and I even convinced my little sister to peruse the bridal jewelry and accessories (a truly remarkable feat for anyone who knows her).

As we looked through the store's colorful clearance jewelry a particular bracelet caught my eye.  It was a simple thing, with round, rust colored beads and three small charms on it.  Nothing fancy, but that was precisely why it caught my eye.

"This would be a good one," I said, turning to my sisters.  "Especially for today."

My sisters nodded in agreement, and we soon found ourselves searching for more orange colored jewelry.  While it wasn't difficult finding the orange pieces, some of them just weren't right.  Some were flashy and flamboyant, others were just too fancy.  For a moment I thought I might not find the right one.

That's when I saw it.  An orange beaded necklace, big enough to pull over your head, with two different shades of orange that matched the woven hemp ends.  It wasn't fancy, probably not something you would wear to some high class social function.  But it was perfect.  Because it was exactly the kind of thing she would have worn.

So I bought it, and it now hangs around my neck as I write this post.

On the drive home I thought about the necklace, and the personal significance of today.  I turned down the radio and sat in silence for a moment.

"Happy Birthday, Mom,"  I said quietly.  "I miss you."

Today I thought of all the times that my mom has been there for me, both in life and even since her death.  I have felt her presence on so many occasions, particularly in those moments when I am feeling at my lowest.  She has been with me when I have been sick or hurt.  She has been with me when my heart was filled with joy and she has been with me in those moments of shear heartache and sorrow.

This past year, I had the privilege of attending the Mark Hamill and William Shatner panels at the Salt Lake Comic Con.  My mom was a big fan of both Star Wars and Star Trek, and being in that room with these men who portrayed such iconic characters from these shows was truly a blessing.  For those few hours I felt connected to her.

That night, as I prepared for bed, I replayed the events of the day.  Soon I was talking to my mom about how incredible it was and how much I wished she could have been there to experience it as well, to see them on stage and listen to them talk about their experiences as Luke Skywalker and Captain James T. Kirk. As the words came out of my mouth I felt an overwhelming sense of excitement.  Excitement that wasn't mine.  It was as if my mom were telling me, "I was there with you! And yes, it was exciting!"

Tears filled my eyes as I was reminded of just how thin the veil that separates the living from the dead really is.

I firmly believe that our loved ones who have passed on are just as involved in our lives as they were when they were still here, sometimes even more so.  They don't just sit around waiting for us to see them again, they aren't too busy doing other "heavenly/after life duties" to be here with us.  And their love for us is never ending.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loved his children so much that he put into place a plan that would allow for families to be together forever.  It isn't until "death do us part", it is FOREVER, meaning those ties don't end when someone dies.

So today, I dedicate this post to the woman that I have had the great honor and privilege of calling "mother".  The woman who raised me to be kind to and accepting of others, no matter their race, religion, or personal beliefs and opinions.  The woman who taught me to love my family, no matter their shortcomings or mistakes.  The woman who loved children, and did so much to help them as they grew into adolescents, and even into adulthood.  The woman whose blood I am proud to have run through my veins, and whose name and legacy I hope to pass on to my children, and my grandchildren, and many more generations after me.

This one's for you, Mom.

Why I Like Kayla

About a week and a half ago, I got a text message from my Best Friend stating that she had been given a homework assignment to find out why it is that I like her.  I agreed and, because of who I am as a person, decided to write my thoughts in the form of a letter.  Okay, so it's more like a short essay masquerading as a letter. 

The letter is addressed to the person who gave her the assignment, however, I knew it was highly unlikely that they would actually read it because, knowing who gave her the assignment, it was more for Kayla's benefit than the other person's. 

I have chosen to share that letter here because I want everyone to know what it is that makes me like Kayla.  Why it is that she is my best friend.  Plus, I am very proud of this literary piece of work. ;-)

If you are fortunate enough to have a best friend, whether it's someone you've known since childhood, a family member, or a friend who has recently come into your life, I would encourage you to let him or her know just how much they mean to you, how special they are to you.  They deserve to know, and you deserve to tell them.

Here it is, my short-essay-masquerading-as-a-letter about my best friend, Kayla.

Enjoy.


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September 29, 2016

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Stephanie.  I am Kayla’s best friend, and she is mine.  It was brought to my attention yesterday via text message that you have assigned Kayla with the task of discovering why it is that I like her.  Understanding the value of such an assignment, and always on the lookout for an opportunity to brag about my amazing best friend, I was happy to offer my complete cooperation in this matter.

“Do you need it in writing?  Is a blood signature required?” I asked, to which she promptly responded with, “You can write it if you want to.  And yes, a blood signature is required.”

Never being one to shy away from the chance to put my love of writing to work, I spent the remainder of my day thinking about the assignment, and today, I have pieced together what I hope to be an adequate response to the question at hand.

So, why do I like Kayla?  To be honest, I have never really thought about the “why” of our friendship.  We met six years ago in college.  It was Kayla’s first semester as a freshman, and it was my fourth semester living away from home, enjoying the life of a college student.  She was very quiet that first Saturday when she moved in.  I remember sitting in my room getting settled and she came to ask me what time church was.  That was the first, and only interaction we had that day I think.  We may have done something else with one of our other roommates.  I don’t really remember.

The next day we walked to church together.  I, being the person that I am, happily chatted away at her, asking several questions about her likes, her major, all of the things you ask a brand new roommate.  Her answers weren’t too detailed, never giving more information than was absolutely necessary.  It was like a cat person that walked into a room with a happy, energetic, lovable chocolate lab puppy (three guesses which of us was the puppy, and the first two don’t count).  Eventually we fell into a bit of an awkward silence and, honestly, I thought maybe she didn’t like me, that maybe I had annoyed her with my insistent chattering and friendly interrogation.  But, in spite of our awkward beginnings, it only took me a week to break through her shell, and after that there was no turning back.

Kayla is hilarious.  I cannot begin to list all of the funny things she has said or done, there are so many.  She has made me laugh to the point of stomach aches and near tears, something that didn’t happen all that often until we met.  Seriously, I have probably had just as many gut busting laughing fits in the six years we’ve known each other as I did in the twenty-one years before I met her, maybe even more.  We laugh about all kinds of things, and sometimes we laugh about absolutely nothing.

Kayla is so smart.  She is an excellent problem solver, and can see things that other people would totally miss.  She knows a lot about many things, and some about even more things.  Just enough to make her dangerous. ;-)

We both love superheroes, particularly those of the Marvel variety, and we both have a love for Supernatural, Sherlock, Merlin, Firefly, Ouran High School Host Club, and many other wonderful fandoms.  We can sit down and watch an action movie, chick flick, Disney film, spiritually uplifting, or an anime and neither one of us will feel like we had to “settle” for something we didn’t really want to watch anyway.

We’ve had many adventures together.  Late night Denny’s runs, day trips to visit with friends, Disneyland twice (which was a total blast, by the way), and this year we even braved our own campout experience.  But, to be honest, every moment can be an adventure with Kayla.

If the story of how our friendship began isn’t enough of an inclination, I am a talker.  That’s not to say that conversations between Kayla and I are mostly one-sided.  Often times she steers and dominates the conversation.  But I do like to talk, about any and everything almost.  In spite of my carrying on about things, even things that are completely random and have absolutely zero relevancy to either of our lives, she still listens.  She listens to me go on about a new show that I watched, or a book that I read that is just killing me, even if it’s not really something that she is all that interested in.  I can tell her my story ideas and get constructive criticism from her about them.  I can talk to her about my thoughts and feelings regarding issues that are important to me, whether or not they have value to her, and she listens.  I could go on and on about guys that I liked, and she would listen patiently, to the good and the bad, and never once criticized me for my choice in guys, nor would she try to discourage me from pursuing a guy that I really liked.

She puts up with my shenanigans.  Yeah, no real need to elaborate I think.  J

She gets along with my family, which is a big deal considering they are a HUGE part of my life, and has even become a welcomed addition to it.  At those times when my family is just driving me crazy, she is there to listen to my thoughts and feelings, and gives me the support I need to get over it.

There have been a lot of things in my life that weren’t easy to deal with.  Some of them, like losing my mom, happened before Kayla and I ever met, and they came with some baggage, especially losing my mom.  Kayla never questioned it, never told me to just “get over it” or to “move on” or whatever.  She accepted me and all the baggage that came with me, and even offered to carry a bag or two if needed.

These are the things I like about Kayla, the things that have shaped my friendship with her.  But, what’s the why?  What is it that makes these things about her so appealing and likeable to me?  Looking back over it, evaluating and processing it all in my mind, I figured it out.

She makes me happy. 

I can be myself with her and she’ll never leave me for it. 

I can be my “20 kinds of crazy” and most of the time she’ll join in, and for those times when I’m just being crazy on my own, she sticks around, never judging or criticizing the things that make me, me. 

She makes me feel important in the world, that my existence matters.  In the past there were times when I wanted to just run away, to leave everything behind me and not look back.  She helps me want to stay. 

She isn’t just my friend, she’s a sister, a kindred spirit that I have been lucky enough to not only cross paths with, but to stick with and to live life with.  She is the Watson to my Sherlock, the Dianna to my Anne, the Sam to my Frodo and the Merlin to my Arthur.  And I thank God every day for the blessing of having her in my life.

I honestly can’t imagine my life without her.  Actually, I can, and it would be a much bleaker one.  My world would be less without her.  True story.

And so, dear sir or madam, this is why I like Kayla.  This is why she is, and always will be, my absolute best friend.  I would like to thank you for giving her this assignment, because while it’s no secret that the two of us are best friends, I don’t tell her enough just how much she means to me, how valuable she is, and how critical she is to my happiness, to my existence.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

AKA Kayla’s Best Friend

P.S.  Please forgive my choice to refrain from meeting the requirement of a blood signature.  It really is quite unsanitary. 

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Have a great day everyone!

A Letter

Dear             ,

I have something to tell you.  It's something that I have been trying to ignore, to forget about.  Something that, once it's said, will change everything.

I am in love with you.

I wish I could say that I loved you ever since the moment I first saw you.  But, that's not true.  In fact, I was surprised that I didn't swoon over you the first time I saw you.  Normally a guy like you would have automatically made it onto my "radar" but for whatever reason, you didn't.

It was the little things that made you stand out.  Saying "Hi" to me whenever we'd see each other.  The times when you stop and talk with me about what's going on in your life, even though we both have somewhere else we really should be.  The way your eyes light up when you are really truly happy.  The times you sat with me when I was alone, or came over and talked to me when nobody else would.  Teaming up with me to play a game I had never even heard of, and even going a second round with me.  The fact that you don't treat my roommate any different just because she has different opinions, views, and religious beliefs.  Seeing you accomplish your goals and dreams, the joy that you feel with each accomplishment.  These are only some of the things that have made me fall for you.

I know, you are already seeing someone else.  I know you are only interested in being friends.  But I had to say something.  Because in the next year or so things will change.  You'll move on, one way or another you'll move along with your life.  You'll be gone, and chances are when you leave, this friendship that we have will diminish, dissipate, like so many of my other friendships.  You'll be gone, and I'll be left behind to pick up the pieces of the broken heart I am doomed to be dealt.

I'm not trying to win your heart, nor is this letter meant to be that of a brokenhearted girl who doesn't know how else to express herself but through writing.  I am writing this because I think it is important for you to know that I am completely, hopelessly in love with you.

Chances are you'll never see this letter, never know that it's for you.  Even if you do see it you probably won't know that you're the one I'm talking to.  Because in your mind we are only friends, and it would be silly for you to think of us as anything more.

But if, by some miracle, you do see this letter, and you figure it out, please don't hate me, and don't feel sorry for me.  Just know that I am grateful to have you in my life, to love you, even if you don't love me back.

Is that strange?  To be happy loving you, even though I know you will likely never feel the same way?  Maybe it is strange, maybe it's completely abnormal.  But, even if it is strange, abnormal, it's still true.  I love you, so much, and I wouldn't trade the time I have spent with you, falling in love with you, for anything in the world.  Ever.

I hope that you continue finding success in your life, that you find joy in your work and that one day you find that special someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with.  I hope she loves you back, and that she never takes for granted all of the wonderful things that you are.  And I hope I can continue being a witness to all of the amazing things that transpire in your life.

All my love.