This is a Family, Too

Have you ever seen that picture of the different kinds of families? It has the traditional family with a mom, dad, and a kid, then there's the family with just a mom and dad, families with single parents, and finally families with same-sex parents.

I am not going to be talking about that picture, though I think it is something for people to think about. Instead, I am going to talk about a kind of family that isn't included on that picture. Probably because it would be difficult to portray it as simply as the other examples because, well, this kind of family is a little more complicated.

I am speaking of the step-family. Families where one or two people re-marry, whether from divorce or death of the previous spouse, and there are kids involved. When I say kids, I am referring to young and old offspring, not just those under 18.

This kind of family is complicated because there are several emotions and varying opinions held by the members of that family. The kids may have a hard time accepting their new step-parent for one reason or another. Perhaps they are afraid that their own parent has forgotten the other one and replaced him or her. In the case of a dead spouse the kid can't do a whole lot really, as their other parent is no longer in this life. For divorced parents, I guess the kid could go all Parent Trap on their parents and try to get them back together, but I doubt that really happens.

There is also the trouble of step-siblings. When someone has to deal with step-siblings, it can be uncomfortable and maybe a bit daunting. You're life has just added a new parent to the equation and with him or her came more variables, and like a bad algebra problem it hurts just thinking about putting it all together and coming up with a solution.

In this case, some people will just walk away from the problem and choose not to deal with it, to ignore it because it is the easier option. Unfortunately, this method of dealing with the problem is not the best and only creates more problems.

Unlike an algebraic equation, human interactions and relationships aren't always so cut and dry. You have emotions to deal with as well, which can have multiple variables and values for one person at any given time. These variables and values fluctuate and change, some more often than others. This being said, to simply walk away from what you don't want to deal with will solve nothing and only adds to those emotional variables.

Thus far this post has been mostly logical and technical. Well, now I'm going to delve into the emotional, the personal part.

My mom passed away four years ago. Her death put my dad into an awful nose dive of depression that was painful for anyone who cared to look and see it. When he met my step-mom, Betty, he was able to find the relief he needed to change and get his life back on track and heading in the right direction.

When my dad told me he was going to marry Betty, I wasn't happy. I wasn't ready for him to re-marry, despite the fact that he was happy and I could see it. It had nothing to do with him or with Betty, it was me. I argued that it was too soon, that he should wait, but honestly, I don't think it would have mattered if he waited a month or a year, I would never be ready until I decided to be.

At first I didn't know how to act with Betty. I mean, how does a step-daughter act with her step-mom? Would my accepting her cause me to forget my own mother completely? Did I have to push my mom out of my heart in order to even try to love Betty? Would loving her and accepting her be hurtful or disrespectful to my mother?

No.

Just because I let Betty into my heart and let her become the mother figure in my life, does not mean that I have forgotten my mom, or that I don't love her, or that I am being disrespectful of her. It means that I have finally moved past the pain of losing her to mortality, and I have opened my heart to others. When your best friend moves away and you don't know when you will see them again, you make new friends. You never forget that first best friend and you never stop loving them, you just make room for more.

Well, that's all it is with my step-mom. It was just a matter of making room in my heart for her too. Once I decided to do that, once I made the decision to change my attitude about the situation, it became easy for me to accept her and I have now reached the point where I don't even think twice about it. She is my step-mom and I love her very much.

Betty was married twice before my dad and has 6 kids of her own, plus a few step-kids (her late husband, Lamar, was married previously and had children with his first wife). I wasn't sure how to approach the whole step-sibling thing. Again, I found myself uncertain of how to act or what I was supposed to do. But, having already decided to accept Betty into my life, I decided I should go into the situation with the desire to make her children part of my life as well. And you know what? It has made all the difference.

In the beginning when it came to family parties with Betty's kids I was rather shy and I kept to myself, not really feeling like I fit in. But, as I have made the decision to change that, to go to these parties and events with the intention of being part of the group I have felt more and more accepted each time I go.

I recently had two opportunities to spend time with Betty's kids and step-kids. The first was a birthday party in Bountiful. The party was at Cindy's house (Lamar's daughter) and it was for her second son's sixteenth birthday. I had decided to go to the party and while I left my dad and Betty with the impression that I was only going for the free food, there was a small part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to move past the awkwardness and the attitude that they weren't really my siblings and try to make the best of it.

While I was there I didn't really talk to anyone, mostly because I am shy and as I didn't know the people there very well I didn't know what to say. But I listened to everyone as they talked, I took interest in what was going on in their lives and what they were sharing, and I felt like I was meant to be there, like I fit right in in spite of saying nothing. After the party everyone was so kind and so willing to express their gratitude for my being there that I couldn't help feeling accepted. Some of them even gave me hugs and I haven't ever talked to them in my life. What awesome people!

The second happened this last week. There was a party for my step-brother Ben's wife (Ben is Betty's son from her first marriage). While there I talked a little with my step-brother Simeon and with my step-sister Michelle. I even talked with Ben's daughter Tayley a little bit, and Michelle's son Skylar even played with me. I got hugs from Michelle's husband Mark when we arrived, and even Betty's first husband said hello to Maddy and I. They were so welcoming and loving, I couldn't help but love being there.

One huge, huge, HUGE thing about Betty's kids and step-kids. They have all been so accepting and loving towards my sister Maddy. For those who don't know, Maddy has downs syndrome. This doesn't matter to Betty's kids though. They talk to her, help her with things, play with her. It's like she's been part of their family all their lives and she fits in so perfectly. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude and appreciation for their love and affection towards her. They showed it, and you could feel it. I can always feel it with them. It's so amazing.

I was, and still am, very grateful that I went to these parties, because it taught me something very important. My attitude towards the situation is what made it bad or good for me. It had absolutely nothing to do with Betty's kids or my dad or Betty or anyone else that was there. It was all me. I made the decision to go because I wanted to. I made the decision that I wasn't going to let the fact that we aren't blood related keep me from treating them like family and accepting them as such.

Because that's what they are. Family.

I wish the situation was as simple as that, but it's not. Unfortunately, some of my own siblings are having a hard time with accepting the new additions to our family. I don't know what it is that is that's causing the roadblock. Maybe some of them are just shy and, like me, uncertain of what to do or how to react. I can see this as a possibility for a couple of my siblings because I know that they are more shy and that's just how it is.

But some of my siblings I truly don't understand why they are so against all of this. Sometimes I get the feeling that some of them are only doing it because this brother or sister is so adamant against it and that is rather frustrating. Honestly though, I have no idea.

It's disappointing to say the least.

Betty and her kids are such good, amazing, wonderful people. Yes they have their shortcomings, like we all do, but they are still good people, and they have helped my dad to be a good person too. They have blessed him in so many ways by accepting him into their lives, and they have blessed Maddy as well. I'm grateful for them, and I love them all dearly.

I wish my brothers and sisters would too.

It's hard, because no matter what I say or do, I can't make my brothers and sisters change. I can't make them like our step-mom and our step-siblings. It is a decision they have to make for themselves, and until they do things will always feel awkward for them and they will always feel off-balance.

Regardless of how frustrated I am and how disappointed I feel with my brothers and sisters there is nothing in the world that could make me stop loving them. No matter their choices, their decisions, I will always, always, always love them.

I am grateful that I have such a unique family. I am grateful that God puts people into our lives to help us and to teach us. I am grateful for God's hand in joining these families, for I most assuredly believe that he did have a hand in it, alongside my mother and Betty's husband Lamar.

This is a family too, and maybe, someday, we can all act like one.

Be grateful for your family. No family is perfect and some of them are just downright awful, but God gave you your family for a reason, whether it was to give you support in your times of need, or to give you strength to help others who are in need. So make the decision to do the right thing, to see the good and to have a positive attitude. It isn't easy, and you will have your days when you just don't feel like being happy (trust me, I've had my fair share of those), but never give up. Keep pressing forward. If you have to take a day to just cry and feel sad, that's okay. Just don't be afraid to get back up and keep going.

Have a fantastic day everybody! You're all wonderful, lovely, beautiful people!

He Who Reads Lives A Thousand Lives

Disclaimer: This post may contain spoilers. I have omitted character names and the title of the book I will be discussing, but there are some facts in it that may or may not give it away. Just a heads up. ;)

This summer I have been participating in my local library's reading challenge. Complete the challenge and you get a free book (or a $5.00 fine waiver, whichever you prefer). They are also throwing in a free pass to the Natural History Museum (totally stoked!).

Anyways, I decided to finish reading a book that I had started  a couple of years ago but stopped because I just wasn't in the mood for it at the time. And let me tell you, it was one heck of a ride.

The book was the last in a series of spy novels. As the story has progressed and led up to this final mission for the main character, the missions have become more and more intense. Which is totally cool with me by the way. I love when an author can get me glued to a book. It tells me they have done a good job.

In this book a criminal organization that the main character has defeated twice before in previous books decides they are going to take another shot at bringing him down. Several things take place and he ends up in a foreign country undercover. As he is underage (only 15) he is accompanied by his housekeeper and legal guardian, who has essentially become the only family he has as his parents were killed when he was a small child.

However, the mission turns out to be a ruse, a trap designed to lure the main character to the very organization that wants him dead. He nearly gets blown up while on a boat and then comes close to drowning after the explosion. He also ends up a prisoner at an old fort in the middle of the desert. A fort that has a scorpion infestation.

That's not even the worst part.

The two key players in this plot to take him down want nothing more than to cause him pain. The first is a gentleman with an odd fascination for pain. He tortures people for the mere "scientific benefit" of it (can anyone say, crazy??). The second is a boy his age who, by unfortunate happenstance and as the result of another crazy person's plot to take over the world, has the main character's face. This boy loathes the main character with every fiber of his being. Ever since the two faced off against each other in a previous book this crazy kid has dreamed of nothing more than to kill him, slowly if possible, and in the most cruel and painful way he can think of.

Unfortunately for these two nut jobs, the greater plot of the criminal organization that hired them both prevents them from causing him any physical pain. Their plan requires that he not be harmed or else it all falls to pieces. So how do they break him? How do you hurt someone you can't touch?

Attack his family. And they did.

I cannot begin to tell you of the emotional turmoil I fought as I realized what they were going to do. I kept telling myself it couldn't happen, they wouldn't kill the closest thing he has to a family. They wouldn't. They couldn't. I silently prayed that somehow, someway, she would make it out, that she would get away. But it didn't happen, and I found myself forced to set the book aside as a I wept.

They had broken him, this character that I had come to care about and love over the past few years. I had experienced his pains and his hardships as each mission became more bleak, more deadly. I watched as he grew and I saw how the weight of each mission pressed down on his spirit and I kept telling myself there had to be some kind of happy ending. He was supposed to leave the country with this friend, his family, go somewhere safe where the people responsible for throwing him into the world of espionage could not get to him. Where he could heal and be a kid, like he was supposed to be. Instead he was pulled into it again. She was killed and he watched it happen.

After her death I struggled to keep reading. There was still a good hundred pages left of the book, and he still had to stop whatever was about to happen. He still had to take down the two people responsible for her death. He was successful, of course, but at a great cost. The light had been extinguished from his eyes. The life that had been in him was gone. He was a broken child, forced to grow up by adults who cared only what use he could be to them.

It was a great book.

I know what you're thinking. "What the heck? How is that a great book? Didn't you just say it caused you emotional damage to experience? How is that good?"

The truth is, life is full of painful experiences that we have to endure. Experiences that are meant to make us stronger. It may seem odd that I am drawing such wisdom from an experience so seemingly insignificant as reading a book, but I have learned a great deal from the adventures this author has allowed me to take part in.

First of all, I've learned the importance of taking care of children. Children are meant to be that, children. They should not have to deal with the pains, pressures, and disappointments of the grown up world until they enter into it. Does that mean we should shelter them, keep them hidden from the big bad world until they are 16, 17, 18? Of course not. We want them to be prepared to enter the world, but we don't want to thrust it upon them before their time.

Second, no matter what bad things you have experienced, no matter how bleak, or how awful the world is, there is always a light. In the final pages of the book the main character is at last freed from his bondage of the spy game. He leaves his home to join the family of one of his closest friends who are now his adopted family. While he is not 100% and he will never be the same person, he is healing, and in time he will move past it.

Lastly, and this is more of a lesson in writing, sometimes the story isn't meant to end with a fairy tale "Happily Ever After". There were a number of ways that the story could have ended, one of which being that the housekeeper didn't really die, or that it was never believed she was dead in the first place. However, that wasn't how it was supposed to end. As mush as it saddened me to see how the series ended, to see the results of this final mission as far as the main character's well being, I was satisfied with the ending, because I knew, as a reader and as a writer, that was how it was meant to end.

As a writer, you don't always know how the story is going to end. I mean, sometimes the ending will come to me in the early stages and I can build up to it. Sometimes, however, as I write, I may come to learn that the ending I have planned, the one I am leading up to, isn't how it's supposed to end.

And what do I do in that situation? What do I do when I realize that the story isn't going to end in the happily ever after way that I originally wanted? I keep writing. I work towards that end that I know is the right one because, in my heart, I know it has to be that way. I know that changing it would take from the story's integrity, and I would never be satisfied with it.

I guess that could be more than just a writing lesson, couldn't it? Sometimes in our lives we are faced with situations that we do not want to accept. We try to tell ourselves "No, that isn't how it's going to be" and we try to force it to change, try to will it to be different. Like the family whose loved one is brain dead but the body is functioning with the help of machines. Maybe he or she will wake up and everything will be fine, but what if that's not how the story is supposed to end? Yes, the family can choose to keep the machines on, keep the body "alive", but will that really be enough? Are they truly satisfied and happy with that?

I love how this started out as a book review and became a deep philosophical post... Lol.

I encourage you all to read a book. I've heard it said that he who does not read lives one life. But he who reads lives a thousand lives. I know this to be a true fact, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to read. It is great blessing to me.

Thank you for your continued reading of my blog, and for your support. As I have said before, I would love to know more about my readers, so feel free to leave a comment below. Maybe tell me about the last good book you read, or the book that has impacted you the most in your life.

Thanks again!

What Sorrow...

...that I should find such disappointment at something I was so looking forward to.

I just finished a book that I borrowed from the library yesterday. It's a book that I have been wanting to read for a while now, based on the fact that I enjoyed the movie adaptation so much.

As it is customary for books to differ from their movie counterparts, I expected to have a different experience with the book than I did with the movie, though I was certain it would be just as satisfying as the movie had been.

I was wrong.

For the sake of being objective, and to avoid hindering anyone else's opinion or desire to read this book, I will not share it's title. It had a good story line, very interesting and well written. However, upon reading the last few words and closing it, I found I was not satisfied at all.

I did not like the book.

It was not how the book ended, or the fact that it was a completely different ending from the movie, it was simply that I did not feel anything for this book. To be completely honest, I really did not care so much for the characters. I did not finish the book out of love or concern for the character's well being, but simply out of curiosity for the plot. And that was rather disappointing.

Now you must understand, some of the major plots in the story were rather interesting and I couldn't help but wonder how it was going to play out. But, when it comes to books, in order for me to enjoy the full extent of the story, I have to connect with the characters, or else it's like reading a text book about some historical event you never learned about. Curious to know what happened and how it all ended, but you don't feel the same emotion as something you read for enjoyment (unless you like reading textbooks which is totally fine). 

At first it wasn't very clear to me why the book did not bring me as much satisfaction as I had hoped for however as I have been writing this post and thinking about the story itself I have been able to work some of it out.

Firstly, the characters. I don't want to say that the author didn't think about the characters or give them any real depth because that wouldn't be entirely true. It's just that they felt so generic, so a-typical, that I could tell you the basics about them and you could probably apply it to at least a hundred different teen novels or movies. I mean, I get that nowadays it's hard to come up with something original, and I wholeheartedly believe the saying that all writer's are thieves (meaning we steal ideas from other places), but for goodness sakes at least give them some kind of twist to make them your own.

Secondly: Throughout most of this book I found myself wondering if the main character and her love interest would actually go all the way and have sex because that seemed to be a major focal point in the story. I mean, it was like the story had two major plots. The plot that they talk about on the back of the book, and then whether or not these two were going to have sex. That bugged me. I mean, the main characters talk about love and yet it seems to me like they cared more about lust. The book wasn't riddled with sex or anything, but the amount of time the character spent thinking about sex and how  badly she wanted it from her boyfriend made it hard to think she really loved him at all.

Reason 2.5 (because it kind of ties into the second reason) I understand the whole raging hormones thing with teenagers, but sex isn't the only thing they think about. No wonder so many parents are freaking out about their kids going off and having sex every time they walk out the front door. Society is painting teenagers in that light and it's not the teenagers that are writing this stuff. It the adults. Do teenagers have sex? Yes, I won't argue with that. But, is that all they think about, all they care about? NO! Stop making it seem like all they care about is sex for heaven's sake!

*sigh* Okay, I'm going to get off my soap box now. Lol.

Anyway, the point of writing this post wasn't so much to rant and rave about the book (thought it has helped to get my thoughts out). The point is, I was so excited to read this book and it came up as such a big disappointment which makes me sad.

I absolutely love reading. I love movies and TV shows too, but books, well, nothing can compare. There's nothing that can compare to the joy of curling up on the couch or lying in bed with an open book and sinking deep into its world, becoming the invisible bystander to the events transpiring and feeling the adrenaline as the plot thickens and secrets are revealed. And even though it can be sad coming to the end of a book and realizing you must bid farewell to the new friends you have made and the short life you were able to live and experience through those black words on the page, finishing a book can be exhilarating. The best is when you close the book and as you take in your surroundings it feels like you've come home from one of the greatest adventures of your life.

I love it.

So, when a book fails to produce that kind of exhilaration, that adrenaline, that joyful homecoming feel, it is disappointing and sad. That's the real reason I started this post. That was how I felt. Disappointed and unhappy.

But you want to know the best part about reading? No matter how disappointed you were at the end of the book or how sad you are to say goodbye, there are always thousands, hundreds of thousands more adventures to take.

You just have to find the right one. 
 

It's Nice to Feel Gratitude Again

I have been struggling with feelings of discouragement and inadequacy the past few weeks. Since moving back to Salt Lake and living with my dad things have been seeming rather bleak. I have not been able to find a job as of yet, despite having applied to several, which has hindered my desire to move out and find my own place. Do not get me wrong, I love being able to spend time with my family so easily and it's nice having free time, but after living on my own for 4 years, having to move back in with your parents kind of sucks, regardless of how much you love them.

It isn't just that though. I have been feeling discouraged about, well, everything it seems. I find myself longing to do things, getting excited to go out and do things, only to have that excitement shot down by disappointing thoughts of how I'll probably never get to do it, or how it's going to be forever before it happens.

Not having a job also causes worry in that I do not have a steady income with which to pay the bills. I had a solution to this problem, however it required travel by car and, wouldn't you know it, my car decided to have trouble. So much for that...

Another downfall of living at home is I do not get to see my friends very much. I don't know anyone in this neighborhood well enough to hang out with them (it's not the neighborhood I grew up in) and the friends that I do have up here require, you guessed it, travel be car. *sigh* This puts me in a rather depressing predicament because you see I am an extrovert, which means that I get my energy from socializing with other people. That's not to say that I don't enjoy doing things by myself, or that I can't be alone because I believe that everyone, even extroverts, need time to themselves to either read a good book, watch a show, write, or whatever it is they enjoy doing. But I can only ration my energy supply so much without completely burning out. Sure, I can text friends and talk on the phone with them, but you don't get the same energy out of a text that you do with face to face interaction.

Luckily for me, I have wonderful friends who know me all too well and are willing to drive a hundred and twenty miles just to come and see me.

Today, my friends Kayla, Kendra, and Kendra's husband Kyle drove up from Sanpete County to see me. You see, originally, the plan was to have me come down and see them but with my car not working, well, you can imagine that didn't last very long. I was devastated when the realization that my much needed social time with them was in jeopardy of not happening. And then Kayla told me they would be coming up here to see me and everything seemed to be right with the world again.

So today I spent the morning cleaning the room I presently share with my sister (by the way, it looks AMAZING! Well, except for the closet...that's Monday's project). It was almost three o'clock when they showed up and they didn't leave until eight. Five hours of hanging out and socializing with my friends. Needless to say, it was much needed and very welcome.

Also, it's been raining lately. I love the rain so much. The smell, the sound, the feel as it touches your skin. I love the lightning as it flashes across the sky, striking close enough that you feel the thunder, not just hear it. It's truly one of the most magnificent things in nature ever. I love it.

There's more to the rain than just how much I myself love it though. I mentioned previously how much my mom loved the rain (see "Thanks Mom" posted January 5, 2013). As I started writing this post, thinking about all of the discouragement and the things that have been making me unhappy, my thoughts just stopped and were replaced by "It's raining" and I knew my mom was telling me that everything will be okay and not to let things get me down.

While my friends were here we went to a park near my house and as we sat talking the rain came, first in little sprinkles, then a soft drizzle, and finally it started pouring. We went back to the car but not without getting completely soaked first.

I like to think it was my mom's way of giving me a great big hug, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

I feel so grateful for the wonderful blessing today was and I am grateful God has given me friends to help me when I need it. And I am grateful for a mother who loves me enough to send the rain. :)