This is a Family, Too

Have you ever seen that picture of the different kinds of families? It has the traditional family with a mom, dad, and a kid, then there's the family with just a mom and dad, families with single parents, and finally families with same-sex parents.

I am not going to be talking about that picture, though I think it is something for people to think about. Instead, I am going to talk about a kind of family that isn't included on that picture. Probably because it would be difficult to portray it as simply as the other examples because, well, this kind of family is a little more complicated.

I am speaking of the step-family. Families where one or two people re-marry, whether from divorce or death of the previous spouse, and there are kids involved. When I say kids, I am referring to young and old offspring, not just those under 18.

This kind of family is complicated because there are several emotions and varying opinions held by the members of that family. The kids may have a hard time accepting their new step-parent for one reason or another. Perhaps they are afraid that their own parent has forgotten the other one and replaced him or her. In the case of a dead spouse the kid can't do a whole lot really, as their other parent is no longer in this life. For divorced parents, I guess the kid could go all Parent Trap on their parents and try to get them back together, but I doubt that really happens.

There is also the trouble of step-siblings. When someone has to deal with step-siblings, it can be uncomfortable and maybe a bit daunting. You're life has just added a new parent to the equation and with him or her came more variables, and like a bad algebra problem it hurts just thinking about putting it all together and coming up with a solution.

In this case, some people will just walk away from the problem and choose not to deal with it, to ignore it because it is the easier option. Unfortunately, this method of dealing with the problem is not the best and only creates more problems.

Unlike an algebraic equation, human interactions and relationships aren't always so cut and dry. You have emotions to deal with as well, which can have multiple variables and values for one person at any given time. These variables and values fluctuate and change, some more often than others. This being said, to simply walk away from what you don't want to deal with will solve nothing and only adds to those emotional variables.

Thus far this post has been mostly logical and technical. Well, now I'm going to delve into the emotional, the personal part.

My mom passed away four years ago. Her death put my dad into an awful nose dive of depression that was painful for anyone who cared to look and see it. When he met my step-mom, Betty, he was able to find the relief he needed to change and get his life back on track and heading in the right direction.

When my dad told me he was going to marry Betty, I wasn't happy. I wasn't ready for him to re-marry, despite the fact that he was happy and I could see it. It had nothing to do with him or with Betty, it was me. I argued that it was too soon, that he should wait, but honestly, I don't think it would have mattered if he waited a month or a year, I would never be ready until I decided to be.

At first I didn't know how to act with Betty. I mean, how does a step-daughter act with her step-mom? Would my accepting her cause me to forget my own mother completely? Did I have to push my mom out of my heart in order to even try to love Betty? Would loving her and accepting her be hurtful or disrespectful to my mother?

No.

Just because I let Betty into my heart and let her become the mother figure in my life, does not mean that I have forgotten my mom, or that I don't love her, or that I am being disrespectful of her. It means that I have finally moved past the pain of losing her to mortality, and I have opened my heart to others. When your best friend moves away and you don't know when you will see them again, you make new friends. You never forget that first best friend and you never stop loving them, you just make room for more.

Well, that's all it is with my step-mom. It was just a matter of making room in my heart for her too. Once I decided to do that, once I made the decision to change my attitude about the situation, it became easy for me to accept her and I have now reached the point where I don't even think twice about it. She is my step-mom and I love her very much.

Betty was married twice before my dad and has 6 kids of her own, plus a few step-kids (her late husband, Lamar, was married previously and had children with his first wife). I wasn't sure how to approach the whole step-sibling thing. Again, I found myself uncertain of how to act or what I was supposed to do. But, having already decided to accept Betty into my life, I decided I should go into the situation with the desire to make her children part of my life as well. And you know what? It has made all the difference.

In the beginning when it came to family parties with Betty's kids I was rather shy and I kept to myself, not really feeling like I fit in. But, as I have made the decision to change that, to go to these parties and events with the intention of being part of the group I have felt more and more accepted each time I go.

I recently had two opportunities to spend time with Betty's kids and step-kids. The first was a birthday party in Bountiful. The party was at Cindy's house (Lamar's daughter) and it was for her second son's sixteenth birthday. I had decided to go to the party and while I left my dad and Betty with the impression that I was only going for the free food, there was a small part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to move past the awkwardness and the attitude that they weren't really my siblings and try to make the best of it.

While I was there I didn't really talk to anyone, mostly because I am shy and as I didn't know the people there very well I didn't know what to say. But I listened to everyone as they talked, I took interest in what was going on in their lives and what they were sharing, and I felt like I was meant to be there, like I fit right in in spite of saying nothing. After the party everyone was so kind and so willing to express their gratitude for my being there that I couldn't help feeling accepted. Some of them even gave me hugs and I haven't ever talked to them in my life. What awesome people!

The second happened this last week. There was a party for my step-brother Ben's wife (Ben is Betty's son from her first marriage). While there I talked a little with my step-brother Simeon and with my step-sister Michelle. I even talked with Ben's daughter Tayley a little bit, and Michelle's son Skylar even played with me. I got hugs from Michelle's husband Mark when we arrived, and even Betty's first husband said hello to Maddy and I. They were so welcoming and loving, I couldn't help but love being there.

One huge, huge, HUGE thing about Betty's kids and step-kids. They have all been so accepting and loving towards my sister Maddy. For those who don't know, Maddy has downs syndrome. This doesn't matter to Betty's kids though. They talk to her, help her with things, play with her. It's like she's been part of their family all their lives and she fits in so perfectly. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude and appreciation for their love and affection towards her. They showed it, and you could feel it. I can always feel it with them. It's so amazing.

I was, and still am, very grateful that I went to these parties, because it taught me something very important. My attitude towards the situation is what made it bad or good for me. It had absolutely nothing to do with Betty's kids or my dad or Betty or anyone else that was there. It was all me. I made the decision to go because I wanted to. I made the decision that I wasn't going to let the fact that we aren't blood related keep me from treating them like family and accepting them as such.

Because that's what they are. Family.

I wish the situation was as simple as that, but it's not. Unfortunately, some of my own siblings are having a hard time with accepting the new additions to our family. I don't know what it is that is that's causing the roadblock. Maybe some of them are just shy and, like me, uncertain of what to do or how to react. I can see this as a possibility for a couple of my siblings because I know that they are more shy and that's just how it is.

But some of my siblings I truly don't understand why they are so against all of this. Sometimes I get the feeling that some of them are only doing it because this brother or sister is so adamant against it and that is rather frustrating. Honestly though, I have no idea.

It's disappointing to say the least.

Betty and her kids are such good, amazing, wonderful people. Yes they have their shortcomings, like we all do, but they are still good people, and they have helped my dad to be a good person too. They have blessed him in so many ways by accepting him into their lives, and they have blessed Maddy as well. I'm grateful for them, and I love them all dearly.

I wish my brothers and sisters would too.

It's hard, because no matter what I say or do, I can't make my brothers and sisters change. I can't make them like our step-mom and our step-siblings. It is a decision they have to make for themselves, and until they do things will always feel awkward for them and they will always feel off-balance.

Regardless of how frustrated I am and how disappointed I feel with my brothers and sisters there is nothing in the world that could make me stop loving them. No matter their choices, their decisions, I will always, always, always love them.

I am grateful that I have such a unique family. I am grateful that God puts people into our lives to help us and to teach us. I am grateful for God's hand in joining these families, for I most assuredly believe that he did have a hand in it, alongside my mother and Betty's husband Lamar.

This is a family too, and maybe, someday, we can all act like one.

Be grateful for your family. No family is perfect and some of them are just downright awful, but God gave you your family for a reason, whether it was to give you support in your times of need, or to give you strength to help others who are in need. So make the decision to do the right thing, to see the good and to have a positive attitude. It isn't easy, and you will have your days when you just don't feel like being happy (trust me, I've had my fair share of those), but never give up. Keep pressing forward. If you have to take a day to just cry and feel sad, that's okay. Just don't be afraid to get back up and keep going.

Have a fantastic day everybody! You're all wonderful, lovely, beautiful people!