Being sick and tired so much can lead to some rather depressing emotions. I took Monday off from both of my jobs (Monday was day 2 of my illness) and coming back on Tuesday, well, I found myself feeling rather...low. Particularly in my afternoon job with the school age kids. They kept going on about the other Group Leader that took over for me the day before and I couldn't help feeling inadequate. However, it didn't last long (thankfully).
Unfortunately, my uphill climb to happier days was about to hit a major road block.
My older sister decided that she wanted to end her life. Luckily, she was able to get help before being successful. I was out with my friend Emma and my other sister Maddy when I heard what happened.
At first I didn't feel anything. No sorrow, no anger, just nothing. But then I found myself feeling frustrated and angry. This isn't the first time she has done this (it's actually the third time) and I can't help feeling like she is just being selfish.
The first time she was sixteen or seventeen, and I was about ten. She overdosed on ibuprofen while I was sitting there in the room. She had gone on about how bad she felt and how nobody really cared about her. She confessed to me that she had taken several ibuprofen's earlier that day, and then proceeded to poor even more into her hand and put them in her mouth. Being ten years old, I couldn't find anything to say. I didn't know what to say. She was someone I had looked up to, someone I had admired, and here she was telling me that she didn't want to live and then proving it. I had nothing to say. I just cried. She then told me to go away so she could go to sleep.
Thankfully, I spoke up and said something. The paramedics were called and she was taken to the hospital. They pumped her stomach and she was admitted to a psych ward.
Every time she has done this since then, or every time she has gone off about how nobody cares about her, the memory of that night flashes through my head. It was one of the worst nights of my life, something I never should have been exposed to at such a young age. But it happened, and because of it I find myself feeling angry whenever she does this.
As I drove home from the movie theater after getting the news I kept thinking about how angry I was. How could she be so selfish? She's been through all of this before, she knows that we're not going to just let her go, knows how much it hurts us, so how could she do this again.
Unbidden, the thought came to my mind of, "What if this time is different? What if she doesn't make it?" As soon as I thought that a rush of guilt swept over me. What if I could have been better? What if I could have been better, done more?
I stopped myself as I realized what I was saying. Why was I blaming myself for a choice she made? The truth is, she made the choice because she just went through a break up with a guy that has been with her fro five years. Problem is he isn't good for her. I'm not saying he's a bad person or anything. He just doesn't want what she does. She wants to change, he doesn't. When their money got tight he made her come and live with my dad but is still taking care of his mom (who lives with him). I mean, I'm all for caring for your parents and things, but his mother is capable of taking care of herself, she isn't handicapped or too old or anything like that. Fact is, he chose his mother over her. That tells me that he didn't care enough about her and it was time for both of them to move on from the relationship.
Anyways, so there I was feeling guilty for something that was not my choice, that I had no control over, and that I was in no way connected to. What the heck? I should not feel guilty because it is not my fault. It was her choice, her decision to do this.
I'm not just angry. I am sad, hurt, confused. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to not see her because I know she needs to see people. But part of me doesn't want to go, because I hate seeing sick people in the hospital. I mean, going to the hospital because someone just had a baby, I can handle that really well. But for things like this, I just...I don't even know how I feel. The only way I can describe it is that I am upset. I try to push it to the back of my mind so that I can keep functioning, so that I can be alright.
The truth is, I'm not alright.
Will I be alright? Of course I will. My record for getting through bad days and tough times is 100% thus far so I feel pretty confident in that regards. :) But for right now, I'm not alright. And that's okay.
It's okay that I'm upset. It's okay for me to have emotions, negative or positive, it's what I do with them. Do I act on those emotions? If so, how? Do I try to turn things around, try to improve my life if I'm feeling badly? That's what matters.
I am grateful for the Gospel, and I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for my Savior and His willingness to suffer for me so that He could suffer with me during times like these.
For any of you who are struggling through something. Please remember, you are beautiful, special, and important. Things may look bad and the world may be dark, but remember, the night is darkest before the dawn. Just hold on, the sun will rise, and things will get better.
Have a great week everyone! Keep smiling, and keep pressing forward. You can and will make it!
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