One Step Closer

For as long as you can remember you've had crushes on various guys. Some of those crushes grew into deeper feelings, but never have you ever been in any kind of a serious relationship. Alright, so there was that guy you were pen pals with when you were fifteen, but that lasted probably two weeks, if that, and the two of you never actually met in person.

In the past few years you have found guys that you could very much see yourself spending the rest of your life with and being happy. You even told one of them you loved him. None of these guys have reciprocated your feelings and while you're still friends with them, that's all it is and all it will ever be, which, surprisingly, you are perfectly okay with.

Time and again you have had your heart broken and yet you still hold onto the hope that one day you'll say, "I love you" and hear the words said back to you. When you do, you'll know that he means it, as much as you do, and you'll know that all of the waiting, all of the pain and heartache from so many rejections will have been worth it. Because you found him, the one that will love you unconditionally for all eternity.

You know, even now, that you love this man more than anything. How do you know? You used to say it was because you knew you wouldn't settle for anything less. But now you wonder, is that really it? Is it possible that somehow, someway, this man, this one that you know you love, is connected to you, that the two of you have been connected for much longer than the twenty three years you've been alive?

A song plays in your mind, one that you'd never heard until just a few months ago. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri and for one reason or another the song makes your heart ache more, makes you long for him. It's horrible, yet wonderful at the same time. Which makes you think, when it comes to love, it isn't the person per say, but more the way he makes you feel, how you feel when you are with him. That's why people, who would outwardly seem so "wrong" for each other, can be so right.

Each day that passes by you come one step closer to finding him, the man of your dreams. Not the "perfect" man (because let's be honest, there is no such man) just the man that is perfect for you. And one day, you'll meet and chances are you won't know it's him right away, but when you figure it out it'll be the best day of your life and you'll always remember it. Just keep moving, and when you get to the edge don't be afraid to fall and let love carry you away.

Japanese Gardens and the Ocean

(The Final Installment of the California Trilogy)

In the middle of the week we changed hotels. Rather than being right there in Downtown Disney we were now across the street. It was still a nice hotel, and really, the fact that we could walk to the parks was pretty sweet.

That same day we went to the Japanese Gardens at the university. I can't remember which university, unfortunately, but I can tell you it was beautiful. It was wonderful to be in a place that was so calm and full of plant and animal life. There was a koi pond, with GIANT koi in it! I'm serious, there were baby ducks in that pond with them and there were times I thought the koi were going to just swallow them up. There was also a bird (I think it was a stork or a crane) standing by the pond so still I almost thought it was a statue. Then it moved its head. :)

After the Gardens we had lunch and made our way to the ocean. Now, I have to tell you, I have always been fascinated by the ocean. I'd never seen it until this trip and it has always been my dream to see it at least once. I never imagined how magnificent it would be.

We drove and drove it seemed, and I began to wonder if I was ever going to see it. And then, we were driving down the road and I saw it, at the end of the street. A mass of open space unlike any I had ever seen before. I saw the beach, the people walking along it enjoying the sunshine, and I saw the water, the endless water that stretched out until you couldn't see anything anymore. No mountains, no buildings, just ocean and sky. It was like if I went far enough I just might fall of the edge of the earth.

We parked the car, gathered our things and walked along the sand. We set up a chair for Kayla's mom and then Kayla and I went down to the water. Oh, it was incredible! Watching the waves as they rolled in and out, taking bits of sand and sea shells with them, each one different from the one before and the one following. Feeling the cold, salty water first wash over my feet and then crash against my legs as I moved further into it. Feeling the sand beneath my feet move away as the water took it out to to sea. Feeling the sea shells and few rocks digging into my bare feet as I walked across them, looking for treasures.

The second or third time that the ocean took the sand out from under my feet, I joked with Kayla about getting shorter. After that she piped up about growing short with each wave as well.

At one point I was out so far the water was just past my knees and a giant wave came in and knocked me over.

“That wave was as big as you!” Kayla exclaimed. “Of course, that's not hard to do.” (I'm 5'3 1/2” and yes, the 1/2” makes a difference) Later EriK, Kayla's step dad, said he thought it was funny that I was the smallest one and yet I was daring enough to keep going further and further into the water. What can I say, I was enjoying myself. :)

When it came time to leave I must confess, I didn't want to. It was the last thing I wanted to do. As we drove back to the hotel I could smell the beach on my clothes. It was a heavenly smell, like the smell of smoke from a campfire. I was sad to have to wash the smell away.

Later I would find myself longing for the ocean again. I was addicted and I wanted more. It's been weeks since then and I still feel the desire, the longing for the ocean. To see it, to smell it, to feel it. Some day I will go back, of that I am sure. Now that I've tasted of it, I can't stay away.

Disneyland and California Adventure

Post two of three in the California Trilogy.

We checked into the Grand Disney Hotel where we were given the opportunity of adorning ourselves in Disneyland buttons. the benefits of said hotel were the ease of access to both Downtown Disney and California Adventure. Fortunately for us we were able to take part in a most anxiously awaited event. The viewing of a group of men and women with exceptional abilities as they put their skills to the test in order to save the world from an angry Norse trickster. We had planned to take part in said event later in the week but could not in good conscience wait. Alright so it was the anticipation of how awesome it would be that drove us to change our plans.

After swimming and dinner we wandered around Downtown for a few hours, waiting for the movie. We got to see the Lego store there (totally WICKED!!!) and there was a live band playing as well. Actually, there were a couple of musicians playing at different places around Downtown. Kayla's parents eventually went back to the room but Kay and I continued our wandering.We took some pictures of ourselves standing in front of the giant pin-ups of the Avengers (as we tried to get one in front of Iron Man this nice guy asked us if we wanted him to take it). We soon got bored of wandering and decided to explore the hotel, taking a few photos along the way.

Our movie started at 10:00pm and oh my freaking goodness it was SOOO worth it! I absolutely LOVED it! If you have not seen it yet, DO IT!

We made it back to the hotel at 1:30am, ready for sleep.

Day Two

First day at Disneyland! The first ride I went on was Snow White followed by Pinnochio. I must tell you, going on all of the Disney movie rides made me realize just how much I need to re-watch the films! We also rode the Jungle Cruise (pretty cool), The Haunted Mansion (cool the first time, but in my opinion not as cool the second time. Kind of like how I feel about watching I Am Legend), Pirates of the Caribbean (SO worth going on over and over again), and...I can't remember the others. Hmm.

During our adventures we went on It's A Small World. I have decided that it is a classic Disneyland ride that everyone needs to go on at least once. Honestly, once is probably all you'll ever need. The constant repetition of "It's a Small World" playing over, and over, and over tends to get a bit annoying. Unfortunately for us, right as we were about to come out of the ride it stalled. We even started to go backwards a bit! Kayla and I just hoped they wouldn't make us do it backwards...fortunately, they didn't.

I got a picture with Mickey Mouse! I felt super awesome. Ha ha ha. I also got a signed photo of Donald Duck for just graduating. What can I say, I love all the Disney characters, but Donald is my favorite.
NOTE: The Mickey picture was taken by one of the park's photographers, and therefore will be posted at a later date (when I get it).

That night we saw the World of Color show. It was way awesome! And, like a total theater geek, I thought about how awesome it would've been to do the lighting for it. Lol. But even though I mentally geeked out, it was still an incredible show and I am so glad I had the opportunity to see it!

Day Three (day four of trip)
More adventures in Disneyland. I believe this was the day we did Grizzly Peaks at California Adventure though. Oh. My. GOSH! I've been on Rattlesnake Rapids at Lagoon (popular theme park in Utah for any of my readers who may not know) and I absolutely love it. But I have to say, Grizzly Peaks was pretty AWESOME!

To be perfectly honest, everything after this point pretty much just blends together in my memory, so I'll just give a general overview of everything rather than the day by day. ;)

It's Tough to Be a Bug. Now, I have to say, THAT surprised me, and I even knew what was coming! I won't spoil the surprise for anyone that hasn't done it yet (but those of you who have, TOTALLY know what I'm talking about, right?) but I will say that it's a bit heart stopping, at least for me anyway! We also saw the Muppets 3-D adventure. Oh I love the Muppets...I still need to see the new movie though! Can you believe that?! Anyway, we're talking about California. So, we also did the Monster's Inc. ride and as I have already mentioned, riding the movie rides makes me want to watch the movies! :P

Oh! Indiana Jones! HOLY CRAP! That was AWESOME! Another favorite, by far. It is my hope one day to take my family to Disneyland so they can enjoy all of these rides, by the way.

We also went into the Enchanted Tiki Room, something that has been a long time coming. I have heard the song at least a hundred times as a kid and now I have FINALLY been there! It was a lot of fun to watch and the animatronics were amazing.

Now, for the big thing. I, who am completely and utterly HORRIFIED of roller coasters, went on California Screamin' That's right ladies and gentleman, I went on one of the biggest roller coasters I have ever seen, WILLINGLY! Granted, my eyes were closed and I was screaming my head of the entire time, but I did it! And, confession, I might consider going on it again if the opportunity arises...no promises though. I also went on a Ferris Wheel for the first time in my life too. It wasn't so bad as long as I didn't focus on the fact that I was in a steel cage being held by nuts, bolts, and welded metal high above the park...yeah...can't believe I did that...Lol.

We did go on two Toy Story rides, both were interactive shooting games. The one in California Adventure was more...I guess "Woody" oriented, while the one in Disneyland was Buzz Lightyear oriented. Both rides however I desperately want to take my sister Maddy on because she LOVES Toy Story! I did get to see Buzz Lightyear while I was there, which was awesome.

Speaking of space...SPACE MOUNTAIN!!! Another favorite I must say. It was SOOOO cool! Anyone that has yet to go on that ride, GO WHEN YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!!! It is totally worth it! While we are speaking of mountains, yes I did go one Thunder Mountain and Splash Mountain. The drop for Splash Mountain nearly killed me, but...Ha ha, just kidding. It was scary, but I did have fun.

I forgot to mention, we did go on the Winnie the Pooh ride the first day and I got to see Pooh Bear and Tigger (yay for Tigger! :P).

Kayla and I also rode Rodger Rabbit and Mr. Toad. We wanted  to do Peter Pan but the line was ridiculously long.

Star Tours. AWESOME! 3-D experience and whether you like Star Wars or not, it's tons of fun to go on! I really enjoyed it. Another good one, Soarin' Over California in California Adventure. I had to close my eyes for the first little bit (you go up high!) but my eyes were opened for the rest of it and I fully enjoyed myself.

Hmm...let me see...what have I missed...? We did go on the riverboat, which was neat. Oh! Turkey Legs! Oh My Heck I have NEVER seen a turkey leg that was SO BIG! Kayla and I had to share it, that's how big it was! Another picture to be posted once it is uploaded to my computer.

I think that pretty much covers rides and such. People of importance that I saw--Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald and Daisy Duck, Goofy, Pluto, Alice, The Mad Hatter, Buzz Lightyear, Chip and Dale, Cruela D'Evil, Phineas and Ferb (alas, I did not see Perry the Platypus), and Captain Hook. Oh, I also saw Master Windu and Darth Vader (SOOO wanted to get his autograph, but didn't...oh well).

Friday night we saw the Disneyland fireworks. One of the best fireworks shows I have ever seen. When Tinkerbell came out, flying over the park, Kayla and her mom informed me that it was a real person doing that...I would not want that job and I applaud the girl brave enough to do it.

Aside from rides there were a couple of other things that happened that I wanted to mention. After we were done with California Screamin' Kayla and I were waiting by the bathrooms for her parents and we saw the cutest thing. See, there's a merry-go-round right there next to the roller coaster, and there was this big tough guy (seriously, he looked like he could take you out if you so much as looked at him) riding on it, knees against his chest, alongside his little girl. It was ADORABLE! Guys, it doesn't matter how big an tough you are, you're adorable when you're good with kids, just so you know.

Second, while using the restroom in California Adventure there was a little girl in the stall next to me talking to her mom. She told her that she was making a good poop and that she was doing it because she ate good food. Ha ha ha! I love little kids!

That's all for the Disneyland and California Adventure portion of this trip. Stay tuned for the third and final installment of the California Trilogy: Japanese Gardens and the Ocean.

Long Drives and Coming Home

This is the first of three posts that I'll be writing about my Cali trip last week.

When I was younger my family took a vacation up to Yellowstone National Park. I don't remember much about the drive but judging by where we lived and where Yellowstone is I would imagine it was a long one. In high school my family (at least those still living at home) took another trip only this time to Vegas. That drive I remember, probably because it is more recent.

But, I have to say, this one takes the cake for being the absolute longest drive of my life.

I was up at 4:00am Monday morning and we were on the road by 4:30. We reached the hotel by about 3:30 that afternoon, nearly a full twelve hours later.

While it was a long drive, and I did sleep for a good portion of it, it was interesting to watch my surroundings change. Seeing the Utah landscape fade into Nevada, Arizona, back to Nevada and then finally to California was really neat. They all have different attributes about themselves that make them unique from Utah.

Our snacks of choice for the drive were Gummy Bears (we ate a few chips and nuts too, but GB's were our main source of energy). Kayla and I got so bored we even did Frankenstein-Surgeries, rearranging the heads and bodies of various GB's. We even stuck a few of them together and Kayla tried skewering a few with a straw (she was less than successful). 

The drive back seemed longer than the first one, probably because we did leave later and therefore it was dark by the time we got back.

I have to admit, that while I enjoyed my time in California, coming into Utah and seeing the mountains and the landscape felt so good.  It felt wonderful coming home.

I missed my Utah.

Finals Week and Graduation

So last week was Finals. My first final was Oceanography, the one that I was most worried about. I got a D in that class, but it still counts for credit and towards graduation (woot woot!). That was Tuesday. Wednesday was my Human Biology lecture final which I got 194/200. Yeah yeah! Thursday was my last final, Mat 1050, which I passed. I found out also that I got an A in Human Bio (both the lab and the lecture) as well as in Bowling (which let's be honest, isn't that hard). My final grade for Math 1050 was a C-, not too bad.

Graduation was fun. My roommate Connie and I stayed up late (all night actually) watching the new Knight Rider series (and by new I mean the 2008 series). We went to the graduation breakfast just before eight o'clock Saturday morning and enjoyed some french toast, eggs, hashbrowns, and sausage. Mm mm mm! We then went back to the apartment for our caps and gowns then returned to the student center. We stood there waiting for who knows how long before they finally got us all out of the building and ready to start the processional march.

The march took longer than I would have liked (I was tired, wearing heels, and they were making me stand outside waiting for something. I threatened to eat someone...ugh...) but a cool part about it was when we reached the AC a bunch of the faculty and staff were lined up on either side clapping and cheering for us. It was also cool to come into the gym and see all of the parents and families standing for us. I looked around and found Betty and my Dad, along with Maddy and Amanda. Later my Dad told me that he didn't recognize me (I curled my hair).

It was weird to sit down amongst all of the graduates. In high school I spoke at my graduation so I was on the stage with the other speakers, looking out over the graduates and the audience. This time, I was actually sitting among them. It was neat. :)

Our commencement speaker was a guy from Juliard that works with the college music program. I can't remember all of what he said, but he had a great sense of humor and he was really inspiring (he talked about doing what you can to help others and giving back to the world).

As we were sitting there listening to all of the speakers it hit me. I was graduating from college. After all of this was over, I would have a degree in Theater Performance. I turned to Connie and told her that and she was like, "Yeaah..." and kinda gave me a funny look like Duh Steph. I knew it was happening, but it didn't do that whole hit-you-in-the-face realization until then. It was crazy.

Waiting for my turn to walk across the stage took FOREVER! At least, it felt like forever until my row was finally able to stand up. Then it all went by rather quickly. I kept praying that I wouldn't trip in my heels. no worries though, I was able to get across without humiliating myself, thankfully. 

During the ceremony poor Connie had to use the bathroom, like REALLY bad. When the Dean stood up at the end it seemed as if his speech slowed down as time dragged on. I kept telling Connie to just hold on a little longer because it was almost done. Finally we were able to move our tassels and it was all over. Connie scurried away to do what she needed and I located my family.

After the graduation I went with my dad, Betty, and Maddy over to the reception thing that the college was holding at the practice field. I got a free t-shirt for it too. Yeah, yeah! We then met up with two of my brothers (Steve and Daniel) and enjoyed some time together.

With graduation over (and when my siblings left) it was time to get the apartment ready for final inspections. It was stressful, as per usual, but we got it done. My roommies and I said our goodbyes (trying really hard not to cry and being less than successful). Then it was off to home.

There are a lot of things that I have learned in my three and a half years at college, academically and otherwise. I am so extremely grateful that I had the opportunity to take part in the college experience and encourage everyone that is able to do the same. I promise, it'll be well worth it. 

Change

Inspired by my roommate and friend's collection of funny/inspiring/awesome pictures on her computer, I decided to start up my own folder filled with pictures of a similar nature. Whenever I see a picture I like on Facebook or in an email I am happy to hit "Save Image" and add it to my already large collection.

Today, as I perused the recent activity of my Facebook friends, this image came up.


Now, upon first viewing this image one would probably think it was funny. A caterpillar telling a butterfly it had changed, well duh, it's called the cycle of life. Or one might even go a little further and relate a personal experience to the picture (having a friend or loved one tell you that you've changed and they're upset about it).

A friend of mine, Annie, recently had an experience where at a get together with some of her old high school friends she felt extremely out of place. The feeling had saddened her greatly--these were the people that had made her feel like she belonged all those years in junior high and high school--and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. These friends seemed to have moved on in a direction of life that she knew she'd never go, and, inadvertently, she'd felt "left behind". She knew she would never change her standards, no matter the choices of her friends, but she was sad that at an event where they were supposed to celebrate their friendship with each other, her friends seemed to celebrate their friendships without her. They never said it out loud, never pointed out how much of an oddball she now was in the group, but everything they did and said spoke volumes.

Months later Annie, through what seemed like an innocent enough Facebook comment, found herself angry and hurt that one of these same friends would criticize her for her beliefs. This friend did not come right out and bluntly say that she disapproved of the life Annie had chosen, but the words, their connotation and what they were alluding to hit Annie as if this friend had done just that.

This troubled her greatly and she felt much like this butterfly, beautiful in her own life and happy with where she was but suffering scrutiny from the people she had trusted to always accept her no matter what. What Annie didn't realize at the time however is that, like the butterfly and the caterpillar in this picture, she has the potential to lead an incredible, love and joy-filled life. She has been doing all that she can to make her life as such, to become that divine being that she is destined to be. And maybe, like the caterpillar, her friend has yet to reach that same place and still has some transformations to make. Annie just has to be patient, and love her anyway.

I want to encourage anyone that reads this to do the same. Don't let what other people say or do make you feel insignificant or like your life choices are bad and or unimportant. If you find yourself in a similar situation as my friend Annie, just be patient with those around you. And, when you're on the other end of the spectrum, the one that doesn't agree with the choices someone in your life has made or is making, don't belittle them, don't make them feel insignificant because of it. Just love them anyway.

A Little Bit Stronger

It hurts. Really hurts. To the point where I can't even look at pictures of them because every time I do I feel like my chest is being cut open and my heart is being ripped out.

How am I supposed to be OK with it? I mean, how does someone throw his or her self out in front of a train, get hit head on, and be OK every time a train goes by? That's what it feels like. I took a chance, told him that I loved him, and for what? Just so my heart, that was already broken and in pain, could practically get pulverized by one letter, a letter that while on the surface wasn't unkind, it's meaning stuck deep, like a dagger plunged into my chest. No, more like a sword running me through entirely. Now I am supposed to run around with a shaft of metal through my chest and pretend that everything is OK?

Well, it's not.

When I am with him it's not so bad, I can forget that they aren't in a relationship, that he chose her, and I can be his friend without a problem, without feeling the pain. But once she is in the picture it's as if the blade is being twisted around inside of me.

So what do I do? How am I supposed to just move on without even so much as looking back, wishing I had done something differently--spend less time with him, tell him how I felt sooner--anything to keep what has happened from happening?

Even now though, I don't know that I would want to change anything. Yes it hurts so bad that some days I just want to curl up and disappear. But, there are so many good things tied into all of this that to be rid of it completely I know I wouldn't be half as pleased with my life.

It's so unsettling, so unfair, so confusing...I'm really not sure what to do.

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That's where I was a few weeks ago. At times I still feel that way but reasoning through it all, I am glad that I have this experience to share with people. I am glad that it happened because I feel like I have actually grown from it. I know what it is to fall in love, and I know that I am strong enough to conquer whatever challenges come my way.

He and I are friends, and to be honest, I think that it helped to strengthen that bond, something else that I am extremely grateful for. Was it hard, yes. Do I wish I could have gotten what I have from it all without the pain, of course. But I know that's not possible and even though it's still hard some days, I know I'll be okay.

A Little Bit Stronger

Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger...

...Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

I Just Keep On Dreamin'

I realize it's been a while since I last wrote, so I figure I should post something. I actually might be posting a few somethings to tell you the truth. There are a few developments so...yeah...

Anywho, so this dream that I had the other night was rather interesting. To start off, I had a seven year old daughter. I don't know what happened to her dad but he wasn't around and I was dating another guy. This other guy that I was dating found out something about me (I'm not 100% sure what he found out but I have a theory which will be divulged later in this post) and he ended up leaving.

My Bishop gave me some advice on how to get through it and then he asked me if I had told my daughter yet. I hadn't, so I found her up in the hayloft of our barn (yes, we had a barn, it was awesome. :P ) and I told her what had happened. I could tell that she was upset but she didn't say anything.

A day or so later my daughter and I went to the store with an older woman that we referred to as "Granny" (I'm thinking she was the neighborhood grandma or something like that). While we were there I was holding my daughters hand but something was wrong. I asked if she was okay and in return she asked me if it was alright for her to be mad.

"Yeah," I told her, understanding what she was talking about. "It's okay to be mad."

"Is it okay if I'm mad at you?"

It hurt to hear her say that, but I would rather her be angry at me than herself for what had happened. So I told her, "Yes, that's alright." She let go of my hand and went to Granny then. The older woman touched my arm and gave me a look that asked if I was alright. I waved her off, not wanting to discuss it.

The dream jumped then, and I found myself with a family that could do magic. I was younger than in the beginning of the dream, so I am assuming that the following events occurred before the preceding ones. Just a theory. Anyways back to the dream. the family I was with consisted of a mother, father, grandmother, two daughters, and three sons. The children were all about 14 and younger, maybe 13. I was living with them and was in a way an honorary member of the family.

There was another girl, Adrien, who had also been an honorary member of the family. However, she had betrayed them. See there was this bad guy that wanted to capture the family, I'm not sure why, and Adrien had been working for him.

Well, something happened and the bad guy apparently got a hold of me and was forcing me to do what Adrien had done, or at least finish the job. I don't know what leverage he had (at first I wondered if it had something to do with my daughter, but after realizing that the events of this dream had not occurred chronologically, that idea went out the window) but it was pretty good because I was actually trying to do what he said. Either that, or I was a traitor from the beginning but being with the family was changing my mind. I don't know, I kind of got dropped in the middle of the story.

But anyways, I was supposed to capture this family that I had been staying with and Adrien was supposed to help me. We got to the apartment late at night. The father of the family was up on the second floor working (I believe) and everyone else was getting ready for bed. I checked to see if the family was actually there and as I checked one of the little girls saw me. At least, she saw something outside of the apartment. She started coming towards the door and so Adrien and I hid.

Just then the woman in the apartment next to the family came to the door. Adrien disappeared down the hall and I went over to the neighbor girl, pretending to be someone else. She invited me in and that's when I made my move. See this woman's apartment had a door that connected to the apartment I needed. As I stood there in the apartment, weighing my options and trying to figure out what to do about this woman whose home I had just invaded, the thought came to me that I could take her out but I chose not to. She wasn't my objective and I didn't want to kill her. Instead I used my own magic to simply knock her unconscious.

Adrien decided to show up at that point and she gave me a funny look for not getting rid of the woman. I explained to her that she wasn't the target and that killing her would just cause us more trouble. I then told her to move the woman somewhere out of the way. She did as she was told and then I went to the connecting door and opened it ever so slightly.

The door opened up to a hallway. There was an open door to my left and I could see the little girl sound asleep in her bed. I could feel the pang of guilt at the knowledge of what I was about to do but quickly shook the feeling away. At the end of the hall was a large bed which belonged to the grandmother. The hallway light was out, and the elderly woman's eyesight wasn't the greatest, but she noticed that there was something going on and she called for the matriarch of the family. Before I could get caught, I quickly closed the door and went to hide in the kitchen of the other apartment (once again, Adrien was M.I.A.).

The mother of the family came into the apartment and began her search for me. I held my breath, praying she wouldn't see me but knowing that if I didn't act she would. So once again I used my magic and attacked her, not too badly though (I really didn't want to hurt her).

Thankfully the apartment was dark enough that she had no idea who it was and I now had the opportunity to get out of the apartment and leave the building. As I stood next to the mother she muttered, "My husband knows something is wrong and he's on his way down."

Not wanting to get caught (as I said, I was torn between what I was supposed to do and the fact that I had grown attached to the family) I hurried out of the apartment. I made a right down the hall and then a left at the next hoping that I would find that snot Adrien who abandoned me during this whole thing. I found her sitting around in a dining hall. Angry, but still desperate to get out, I grabbed her arm and told her we had to leave.

When we had planned this operation we had pointed out two exits aside from the main door. One was close to where we were but a set of stairs leading to the second floor was close to that exit. If the father of the family came down those stairs then we would be caught. I hesitated for a moment and it was lucky that I did because next thing I knew the man was at the bottom of the stairs and heading our way.

I shoved Adrien in the other direction, telling her to run faster. That's when I noticed she was wearing stillettos. Who in their right mind wore stillettos on a mission like this!? I just prayed we'd get out in time. I looked back to see if the father had noticed us and watched as he ran past us and down the hall. Then he slowed down and I knew he had at the very least seen Adrien. If he saw me with her he would know something was wrong. I tried to make her go faster but it wasn't working.

So, not wanting to get caught and have to face the family, I made myself wake up.

It was an interesting dream because I have never played a "bad guy" in a dream before.

Now, as to that theory about why the guy at the beginning of the dream left. If I'm right, and both parts of this dream went into the same story and what happened with Adrien came first, then I think that whole thing had something to do with why he left, whether it was the fact I could do magic or something that happened between these to parts of the story.

Being a writer, it's no surprise that I dream in stories... Lol. :D

New Year Old Feelings

My first post of the new year! Yay! I have started up my classes again and I am totally pumped for them (surprisingly enough seeing as how I don't have a single theater class this semester).

Even though it's a new year and I am super excited for my classes, I have found myself being haunted by some feelings that seem to drudge around in my brain until just the right moment and then they get some kind of a random burst of energy and attack with a vengeance, or so it would seem.

I have strong feelings for a guy, the same guy that I have had strong feelings for for the past few months. I keep hoping and telling myself to just be patient, that something will happen soon but quite frankly, it's getting harder to keep it up.

I find myself feeling discouraged. Whenever I feel like I'm getting closer to finding "that guy" it's like life pulls him away and says, "Nope, just kidding!" and I am left with nothing but regret and an aching heart.

See, nothing has happened with this guy, nothing really it seems. I almost want him to look me in the eye and tell me that there will never be anything between us because at least then I would know where I stand. Would it hurt? Heck yeah, no doubt about it, but I hate being stranded out in the middle of the ocean with no life jacket and no sign of help anywhere. If I knew there was no hope then at least I could drown with dignity or something.

I'm 23 years old and practically all of my life I have dreamed about the day when I move from the single life and find the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

(The above was written in January, below is the newest-3/8/2012)

That guy? Yeah, he's with someone else. It's a long story, but the important part is that I am moving forward in spite of it all. He and I are still friends. It's hard, but I will be fine. :)

Classes have been going well (yay for A's in Human Bio!! :D) and everything else is going well too. I have started a new story that I am hoping to finish soon (it's going to be epic, just sayin').

Anyways, ta ta for now!

P.S. God is amazing!