So I have been hecka busy the past few weeks. I am presently working three different jobs. Yay! Actually it's kind of sad because there are stretches of time when I actually go days without seeing my family. Seriously, I was up and gone before they were awake (or I just left before getting the chance to actually see their bright faces) and I was home after they were in bed.
Anyways, my new job that I am working right now is at a theater. A live theater, not a movie theater, which I would imagine is more fun but seeing as how I have never actually worked in a movie theater I guess that would be an unfair assessment. :P I am working as a dresser, which means I get to help actors get into their costumes before and during the show.
The show I am working on is Elf: the Musical (awesome show, just an FYI) and I mostly help the kids in the show get into their elf costumes. (Fun Fact: our theater is the first to use children as the elves. Broadway apparently used adults on their knees. Can't imagine how that must have been for the actors, or the costumers that had to repair holes in the knees...). The kids are all AMAZING! They are fun, upbeat, and totally professional. I love working with them. It's always a blast at the theater. :D
This is my last week of working three jobs though. Tomorrow my afternoon job will be over until January 6th and Friday my morning job will be done until January 2nd. The only job I'll have is my theater job, which runs until December 28th. I am so excited about sleeping in next week! Aww, Yeaaaaah!!!!
Other than that there isn't really too much for me to tell. Ooh! I did get the chance to see Disney's Frozen. I must say, it was an incredible movie! I absolutely loved it! The music has been stuck in my head for the past few days. particularly "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" and "Let it Go". Love, love, love, love, LOVE it!!
Also, I recently finished reading Drops of Gold by Sarah M. Eden. She is one of my favorite authors and the book did not in any way disappoint. I bought the e-book from Deseret Book so I was reading it on my phone during my down time at the theater. If I had more free time I probably would have finished it in a day or two, it was that good. But, considering how much time I did have, I didn't do too bad. Got it done in about three days. :)
Story time about the book! So last night I decided to throw my blacks into the washer because they desperately needed to be washed (Blacks: required dress for anyone working backstage at a theatrical production, consisting of a black shirt, black pants, black shoes, and black socks) so I had to stay up long enough to switch the laundry over to the dryer. To pass the time I read my book. Just before 1 am I reached chapter 25 of 27 and there were sooooo many things that still had to be resolved! Okay, so maybe there weren't a lot of things that needed to be resolved, but there were two HUGE things that needed to be resolved. I checked on my laundry. About a minute thirty to go.
I can't go back to my book, I told myself. If I go back I won't stop, then I'll be up later than I already am which will make it super difficult to get up at 5:30 for my 6:45 job.
Those last 90 seconds were agonizing... I spent the entire time stressing over the book. I mean, I knew it was going to end happy, or at least that's how her other books had ended, but with three chapters left and the major things still unresolved...I was dying to know how it was going to get worked out.
The clothes finished washing and I put them into the dryer. Then I went back to my room and finished the book.
What can I say? I'll take a good book over sleep any day. Lol.
Anyways, I hope you are all well and enjoying yourselves. Happy Holidays!!!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
1101 Pageviews! Woot Woot!
So I logged on so that I could post a new entry on here and what a pleasant surprise I found! 1101 page views for this blog! Aww Yeah!
Here are the stats for my present readers:
United States and Russia are presently the only country with triple digit page views. Way to be!
Following in the double digits we have six countries: Malaysia, Germany, Turkey, Austria, Romania, and South Korea.
Bringing up the rear are Israel and Sweden, which are both just one page view away from double digits! Yeah, Yeah!
Seven months ago I hit 500 page views. For the stats from that little milestone of mine, please follow this link.
To my South Korean readers: If you see a cute little blonde woman named Sister Brooksby who is serving as a missionary for the LDS Church, tell her "Stephanie F. says 'Hello'." Thanks!
As always, thank you so, so, so much for sticking this out with me. I really appreciate your taking the time to look at my blog.
Also, feel free to comment below.
Thanks again!
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Snow...
Sunday morning I woke up and found it was raining outside.
Good, I thought to myself. As long as it isn't snowing.
About an hour later I checked outside again and watched as the first white flakes of the season came fluttering down.
For weeks now I have been moaning and groaning about the inevitable day when the first snow would come. It would be cold and wet, I wouldn't be able to wear flip flops any more, etc. I spoke of how I would be happy and content if it only snowed on Thanksgiving, during the weeks of Christmas and New Year's, and on Valentine's Day. Snow at any other time is just a nuisance.
But I have a confession. Watching those first few flakes fall from the sky did not fill me with the dread and unhappiness I have been building up to.
There is something magical about the first snow fall of the year. The cold, bringing back memories of bundling up in layers of clothing to keep in what warmth we carry inside of ourselves. It reminds us of the warmth of home.
The pure white, falling from a dark sky onto ground dirtied by the natural flow of life or from the pollution of a sometimes unforgiving world, reminding us of days gone by when we would fly down snow covered hills, occasionally toppling over as the sled didn't quite make the turn it was supposed to. Days trekking home from school in the snow, pretending you were lost somewhere in the Arctic, or Alaska, or some other snow covered place, trying to get home before it is too late.
As I think of the snow, I cannot help comparing it to the Atonement, and the love our Savior has for us. In a world that is so dirty and polluted, our Savior has provided us with something magical, something that can eliminate the pollution within us. Just as the snow is cold and many people grumble about the trouble it causes, as imperfect human beings we sometimes see repentance and the Atonement as a bad thing in that we do not want to admit just how wrong and out of line with the teachings of Christ we may be. This can be true for not only those who have committed major sins (adultery, murder, etc), but also for those who commit the small, every day sins (lying, holding grudges, etc).
Sometimes we tell ourselves we could enjoy the snow if we just had the proper equipment. If our boots were better or if we had better gloves we would have so much fun. We think back on the days when as children we had no inhibitions about the snow. Heck we would have gone out and rolled around in it with nothing but our pajamas if our mothers and fathers hadn't been so worried about bundling us up.
Likewise, we tell ourselves we are inadequate to partake of the Atonement. We tell ourselves that repentance will never be enough because we are not enough. This could not be farther from the truth! The Atonement and the process of repentance was put into place for us, because our Heavenly Father and our Savior know that we are not perfect, that alone we are not enough. But, with Him and His Atonement, we can, are, and will be enough, so long as we do all we can.
Have you ever noticed when snow has covered everything in sight, not just a little bit, but fully and completely enveloped it, the noises and distractions of the world are muted? There is a calming peace that comes from a world covered in pure, white snow.
I am grateful for small, seemingly insignificant moments that remind me of just how incredible my Heavenly Father and Savior are. I am grateful they love me enough to put into place the things I need to help my return to them.
If you are standing in a world full of pollution, riddled with sin, or even just sprinkled with it, do not despair! Embrace the cleansing purity of the snow that is our Savior's Atonement. I promise you, you will never go wrong if you do! And just as the snow brings to our busy and bustling world a tender peace and quiet, I testify that the Atonement will do the same for you in your personal life.
Have a fabulous day everyone!
Good, I thought to myself. As long as it isn't snowing.
About an hour later I checked outside again and watched as the first white flakes of the season came fluttering down.
For weeks now I have been moaning and groaning about the inevitable day when the first snow would come. It would be cold and wet, I wouldn't be able to wear flip flops any more, etc. I spoke of how I would be happy and content if it only snowed on Thanksgiving, during the weeks of Christmas and New Year's, and on Valentine's Day. Snow at any other time is just a nuisance.
But I have a confession. Watching those first few flakes fall from the sky did not fill me with the dread and unhappiness I have been building up to.
There is something magical about the first snow fall of the year. The cold, bringing back memories of bundling up in layers of clothing to keep in what warmth we carry inside of ourselves. It reminds us of the warmth of home.
The pure white, falling from a dark sky onto ground dirtied by the natural flow of life or from the pollution of a sometimes unforgiving world, reminding us of days gone by when we would fly down snow covered hills, occasionally toppling over as the sled didn't quite make the turn it was supposed to. Days trekking home from school in the snow, pretending you were lost somewhere in the Arctic, or Alaska, or some other snow covered place, trying to get home before it is too late.
As I think of the snow, I cannot help comparing it to the Atonement, and the love our Savior has for us. In a world that is so dirty and polluted, our Savior has provided us with something magical, something that can eliminate the pollution within us. Just as the snow is cold and many people grumble about the trouble it causes, as imperfect human beings we sometimes see repentance and the Atonement as a bad thing in that we do not want to admit just how wrong and out of line with the teachings of Christ we may be. This can be true for not only those who have committed major sins (adultery, murder, etc), but also for those who commit the small, every day sins (lying, holding grudges, etc).
Sometimes we tell ourselves we could enjoy the snow if we just had the proper equipment. If our boots were better or if we had better gloves we would have so much fun. We think back on the days when as children we had no inhibitions about the snow. Heck we would have gone out and rolled around in it with nothing but our pajamas if our mothers and fathers hadn't been so worried about bundling us up.
Likewise, we tell ourselves we are inadequate to partake of the Atonement. We tell ourselves that repentance will never be enough because we are not enough. This could not be farther from the truth! The Atonement and the process of repentance was put into place for us, because our Heavenly Father and our Savior know that we are not perfect, that alone we are not enough. But, with Him and His Atonement, we can, are, and will be enough, so long as we do all we can.
Have you ever noticed when snow has covered everything in sight, not just a little bit, but fully and completely enveloped it, the noises and distractions of the world are muted? There is a calming peace that comes from a world covered in pure, white snow.
I am grateful for small, seemingly insignificant moments that remind me of just how incredible my Heavenly Father and Savior are. I am grateful they love me enough to put into place the things I need to help my return to them.
If you are standing in a world full of pollution, riddled with sin, or even just sprinkled with it, do not despair! Embrace the cleansing purity of the snow that is our Savior's Atonement. I promise you, you will never go wrong if you do! And just as the snow brings to our busy and bustling world a tender peace and quiet, I testify that the Atonement will do the same for you in your personal life.
Have a fabulous day everyone!
 |
| First Snow. :) |
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Untitled
For the past week I have been wrestling with the demon cold from Hell. Seriously, on day one I spent most of the day sleeping save for the hour and a half that I spent lying in bed watching The Emperor's New Groove on my computer. I got up twice to eat (more out of necessity rather than any actual desire mind you) but mostly, I was in bed. Day two I managed to get up and move some more, however I was only able to sit up for a little while before getting tired and having to lie back down again. Day three and on I have been super tired with a stuffy nose, deep lung cough, and yesterday and the day before my voice was going out (it seems to be doing better today however. Probably because I decided to talk as little as possible. Lol).
Being sick and tired so much can lead to some rather depressing emotions. I took Monday off from both of my jobs (Monday was day 2 of my illness) and coming back on Tuesday, well, I found myself feeling rather...low. Particularly in my afternoon job with the school age kids. They kept going on about the other Group Leader that took over for me the day before and I couldn't help feeling inadequate. However, it didn't last long (thankfully).
Unfortunately, my uphill climb to happier days was about to hit a major road block.
My older sister decided that she wanted to end her life. Luckily, she was able to get help before being successful. I was out with my friend Emma and my other sister Maddy when I heard what happened.
At first I didn't feel anything. No sorrow, no anger, just nothing. But then I found myself feeling frustrated and angry. This isn't the first time she has done this (it's actually the third time) and I can't help feeling like she is just being selfish.
The first time she was sixteen or seventeen, and I was about ten. She overdosed on ibuprofen while I was sitting there in the room. She had gone on about how bad she felt and how nobody really cared about her. She confessed to me that she had taken several ibuprofen's earlier that day, and then proceeded to poor even more into her hand and put them in her mouth. Being ten years old, I couldn't find anything to say. I didn't know what to say. She was someone I had looked up to, someone I had admired, and here she was telling me that she didn't want to live and then proving it. I had nothing to say. I just cried. She then told me to go away so she could go to sleep.
Thankfully, I spoke up and said something. The paramedics were called and she was taken to the hospital. They pumped her stomach and she was admitted to a psych ward.
Every time she has done this since then, or every time she has gone off about how nobody cares about her, the memory of that night flashes through my head. It was one of the worst nights of my life, something I never should have been exposed to at such a young age. But it happened, and because of it I find myself feeling angry whenever she does this.
As I drove home from the movie theater after getting the news I kept thinking about how angry I was. How could she be so selfish? She's been through all of this before, she knows that we're not going to just let her go, knows how much it hurts us, so how could she do this again.
Unbidden, the thought came to my mind of, "What if this time is different? What if she doesn't make it?" As soon as I thought that a rush of guilt swept over me. What if I could have been better? What if I could have been better, done more?
I stopped myself as I realized what I was saying. Why was I blaming myself for a choice she made? The truth is, she made the choice because she just went through a break up with a guy that has been with her fro five years. Problem is he isn't good for her. I'm not saying he's a bad person or anything. He just doesn't want what she does. She wants to change, he doesn't. When their money got tight he made her come and live with my dad but is still taking care of his mom (who lives with him). I mean, I'm all for caring for your parents and things, but his mother is capable of taking care of herself, she isn't handicapped or too old or anything like that. Fact is, he chose his mother over her. That tells me that he didn't care enough about her and it was time for both of them to move on from the relationship.
Anyways, so there I was feeling guilty for something that was not my choice, that I had no control over, and that I was in no way connected to. What the heck? I should not feel guilty because it is not my fault. It was her choice, her decision to do this.
I'm not just angry. I am sad, hurt, confused. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to not see her because I know she needs to see people. But part of me doesn't want to go, because I hate seeing sick people in the hospital. I mean, going to the hospital because someone just had a baby, I can handle that really well. But for things like this, I just...I don't even know how I feel. The only way I can describe it is that I am upset. I try to push it to the back of my mind so that I can keep functioning, so that I can be alright.
The truth is, I'm not alright.
Will I be alright? Of course I will. My record for getting through bad days and tough times is 100% thus far so I feel pretty confident in that regards. :) But for right now, I'm not alright. And that's okay.
It's okay that I'm upset. It's okay for me to have emotions, negative or positive, it's what I do with them. Do I act on those emotions? If so, how? Do I try to turn things around, try to improve my life if I'm feeling badly? That's what matters.
I am grateful for the Gospel, and I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for my Savior and His willingness to suffer for me so that He could suffer with me during times like these.
For any of you who are struggling through something. Please remember, you are beautiful, special, and important. Things may look bad and the world may be dark, but remember, the night is darkest before the dawn. Just hold on, the sun will rise, and things will get better.
Have a great week everyone! Keep smiling, and keep pressing forward. You can and will make it!
Being sick and tired so much can lead to some rather depressing emotions. I took Monday off from both of my jobs (Monday was day 2 of my illness) and coming back on Tuesday, well, I found myself feeling rather...low. Particularly in my afternoon job with the school age kids. They kept going on about the other Group Leader that took over for me the day before and I couldn't help feeling inadequate. However, it didn't last long (thankfully).
Unfortunately, my uphill climb to happier days was about to hit a major road block.
My older sister decided that she wanted to end her life. Luckily, she was able to get help before being successful. I was out with my friend Emma and my other sister Maddy when I heard what happened.
At first I didn't feel anything. No sorrow, no anger, just nothing. But then I found myself feeling frustrated and angry. This isn't the first time she has done this (it's actually the third time) and I can't help feeling like she is just being selfish.
The first time she was sixteen or seventeen, and I was about ten. She overdosed on ibuprofen while I was sitting there in the room. She had gone on about how bad she felt and how nobody really cared about her. She confessed to me that she had taken several ibuprofen's earlier that day, and then proceeded to poor even more into her hand and put them in her mouth. Being ten years old, I couldn't find anything to say. I didn't know what to say. She was someone I had looked up to, someone I had admired, and here she was telling me that she didn't want to live and then proving it. I had nothing to say. I just cried. She then told me to go away so she could go to sleep.
Thankfully, I spoke up and said something. The paramedics were called and she was taken to the hospital. They pumped her stomach and she was admitted to a psych ward.
Every time she has done this since then, or every time she has gone off about how nobody cares about her, the memory of that night flashes through my head. It was one of the worst nights of my life, something I never should have been exposed to at such a young age. But it happened, and because of it I find myself feeling angry whenever she does this.
As I drove home from the movie theater after getting the news I kept thinking about how angry I was. How could she be so selfish? She's been through all of this before, she knows that we're not going to just let her go, knows how much it hurts us, so how could she do this again.
Unbidden, the thought came to my mind of, "What if this time is different? What if she doesn't make it?" As soon as I thought that a rush of guilt swept over me. What if I could have been better? What if I could have been better, done more?
I stopped myself as I realized what I was saying. Why was I blaming myself for a choice she made? The truth is, she made the choice because she just went through a break up with a guy that has been with her fro five years. Problem is he isn't good for her. I'm not saying he's a bad person or anything. He just doesn't want what she does. She wants to change, he doesn't. When their money got tight he made her come and live with my dad but is still taking care of his mom (who lives with him). I mean, I'm all for caring for your parents and things, but his mother is capable of taking care of herself, she isn't handicapped or too old or anything like that. Fact is, he chose his mother over her. That tells me that he didn't care enough about her and it was time for both of them to move on from the relationship.
Anyways, so there I was feeling guilty for something that was not my choice, that I had no control over, and that I was in no way connected to. What the heck? I should not feel guilty because it is not my fault. It was her choice, her decision to do this.
I'm not just angry. I am sad, hurt, confused. I don't know what to do right now. I don't want to not see her because I know she needs to see people. But part of me doesn't want to go, because I hate seeing sick people in the hospital. I mean, going to the hospital because someone just had a baby, I can handle that really well. But for things like this, I just...I don't even know how I feel. The only way I can describe it is that I am upset. I try to push it to the back of my mind so that I can keep functioning, so that I can be alright.
The truth is, I'm not alright.
Will I be alright? Of course I will. My record for getting through bad days and tough times is 100% thus far so I feel pretty confident in that regards. :) But for right now, I'm not alright. And that's okay.
It's okay that I'm upset. It's okay for me to have emotions, negative or positive, it's what I do with them. Do I act on those emotions? If so, how? Do I try to turn things around, try to improve my life if I'm feeling badly? That's what matters.
I am grateful for the Gospel, and I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful for my Savior and His willingness to suffer for me so that He could suffer with me during times like these.
For any of you who are struggling through something. Please remember, you are beautiful, special, and important. Things may look bad and the world may be dark, but remember, the night is darkest before the dawn. Just hold on, the sun will rise, and things will get better.
Have a great week everyone! Keep smiling, and keep pressing forward. You can and will make it!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Book to Movie: I Gotta Stop Doing this to Myself...
First of all, let me apologize to my readers that have been waiting
for an update. I have been horrible with my weekly updates, mostly
because I have been busy and wearing myself out to the point of not
wanting to be conscious when I need to blog. Since I don't have any
pressing, immediate plans right now, I figured it was a good time to get
to work and update.
Now, about the title of this post. Some of you may think that I am referring to the practice of amazing books being made into horrible movies. Actually, It's quite the opposite. It's amazing movies that compel me to read the books.
This summer I had the opportunity to see The Host as well as Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, both of which are books made into movies. I have been told by several people that I needed to read one or both of these books but I never really felt inclined to do so. Well, after seeing The Host I wanted to read it REALLY bad. Halfway through reading it, my friend and I saw City of Bones and once again I had another book I needed to read.
I zipped through the rest of The Host (which I absolutely loved, by the way) and I am now a little more than halfway done with City of Bones (which I am also loving).
I don't have a problem with books being made into movies. In fact, I really enjoy watching movie adaptations of my favorite books. The problem is watching a movie and then wanting to read the book when you have so many other books to read. :)
Speaking of book vs. movie, have you ever come across a movie adaptation that was better than the book? Feel free to share!
Have a fabulous day! :P
Now, about the title of this post. Some of you may think that I am referring to the practice of amazing books being made into horrible movies. Actually, It's quite the opposite. It's amazing movies that compel me to read the books.
This summer I had the opportunity to see The Host as well as Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, both of which are books made into movies. I have been told by several people that I needed to read one or both of these books but I never really felt inclined to do so. Well, after seeing The Host I wanted to read it REALLY bad. Halfway through reading it, my friend and I saw City of Bones and once again I had another book I needed to read.
I zipped through the rest of The Host (which I absolutely loved, by the way) and I am now a little more than halfway done with City of Bones (which I am also loving).
I don't have a problem with books being made into movies. In fact, I really enjoy watching movie adaptations of my favorite books. The problem is watching a movie and then wanting to read the book when you have so many other books to read. :)
Speaking of book vs. movie, have you ever come across a movie adaptation that was better than the book? Feel free to share!
Have a fabulous day! :P
Sunday, July 28, 2013
This is a Family, Too
Have you ever seen that picture of the different kinds of families? It has the traditional family with a mom, dad, and a kid, then there's the family with just a mom and dad, families with single parents, and finally families with same-sex parents.
I am not going to be talking about that picture, though I think it is something for people to think about. Instead, I am going to talk about a kind of family that isn't included on that picture. Probably because it would be difficult to portray it as simply as the other examples because, well, this kind of family is a little more complicated.
I am speaking of the step-family. Families where one or two people re-marry, whether from divorce or death of the previous spouse, and there are kids involved. When I say kids, I am referring to young and old offspring, not just those under 18.
This kind of family is complicated because there are several emotions and varying opinions held by the members of that family. The kids may have a hard time accepting their new step-parent for one reason or another. Perhaps they are afraid that their own parent has forgotten the other one and replaced him or her. In the case of a dead spouse the kid can't do a whole lot really, as their other parent is no longer in this life. For divorced parents, I guess the kid could go all Parent Trap on their parents and try to get them back together, but I doubt that really happens.
There is also the trouble of step-siblings. When someone has to deal with step-siblings, it can be uncomfortable and maybe a bit daunting. You're life has just added a new parent to the equation and with him or her came more variables, and like a bad algebra problem it hurts just thinking about putting it all together and coming up with a solution.
In this case, some people will just walk away from the problem and choose not to deal with it, to ignore it because it is the easier option. Unfortunately, this method of dealing with the problem is not the best and only creates more problems.
Unlike an algebraic equation, human interactions and relationships aren't always so cut and dry. You have emotions to deal with as well, which can have multiple variables and values for one person at any given time. These variables and values fluctuate and change, some more often than others. This being said, to simply walk away from what you don't want to deal with will solve nothing and only adds to those emotional variables.
Thus far this post has been mostly logical and technical. Well, now I'm going to delve into the emotional, the personal part.
My mom passed away four years ago. Her death put my dad into an awful nose dive of depression that was painful for anyone who cared to look and see it. When he met my step-mom, Betty, he was able to find the relief he needed to change and get his life back on track and heading in the right direction.
When my dad told me he was going to marry Betty, I wasn't happy. I wasn't ready for him to re-marry, despite the fact that he was happy and I could see it. It had nothing to do with him or with Betty, it was me. I argued that it was too soon, that he should wait, but honestly, I don't think it would have mattered if he waited a month or a year, I would never be ready until I decided to be.
At first I didn't know how to act with Betty. I mean, how does a step-daughter act with her step-mom? Would my accepting her cause me to forget my own mother completely? Did I have to push my mom out of my heart in order to even try to love Betty? Would loving her and accepting her be hurtful or disrespectful to my mother?
No.
Just because I let Betty into my heart and let her become the mother figure in my life, does not mean that I have forgotten my mom, or that I don't love her, or that I am being disrespectful of her. It means that I have finally moved past the pain of losing her to mortality, and I have opened my heart to others. When your best friend moves away and you don't know when you will see them again, you make new friends. You never forget that first best friend and you never stop loving them, you just make room for more.
Well, that's all it is with my step-mom. It was just a matter of making room in my heart for her too. Once I decided to do that, once I made the decision to change my attitude about the situation, it became easy for me to accept her and I have now reached the point where I don't even think twice about it. She is my step-mom and I love her very much.
Betty was married twice before my dad and has 6 kids of her own, plus a few step-kids (her late husband, Lamar, was married previously and had children with his first wife). I wasn't sure how to approach the whole step-sibling thing. Again, I found myself uncertain of how to act or what I was supposed to do. But, having already decided to accept Betty into my life, I decided I should go into the situation with the desire to make her children part of my life as well. And you know what? It has made all the difference.
In the beginning when it came to family parties with Betty's kids I was rather shy and I kept to myself, not really feeling like I fit in. But, as I have made the decision to change that, to go to these parties and events with the intention of being part of the group I have felt more and more accepted each time I go.
I recently had two opportunities to spend time with Betty's kids and step-kids. The first was a birthday party in Bountiful. The party was at Cindy's house (Lamar's daughter) and it was for her second son's sixteenth birthday. I had decided to go to the party and while I left my dad and Betty with the impression that I was only going for the free food, there was a small part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to move past the awkwardness and the attitude that they weren't really my siblings and try to make the best of it.
While I was there I didn't really talk to anyone, mostly because I am shy and as I didn't know the people there very well I didn't know what to say. But I listened to everyone as they talked, I took interest in what was going on in their lives and what they were sharing, and I felt like I was meant to be there, like I fit right in in spite of saying nothing. After the party everyone was so kind and so willing to express their gratitude for my being there that I couldn't help feeling accepted. Some of them even gave me hugs and I haven't ever talked to them in my life. What awesome people!
The second happened this last week. There was a party for my step-brother Ben's wife (Ben is Betty's son from her first marriage). While there I talked a little with my step-brother Simeon and with my step-sister Michelle. I even talked with Ben's daughter Tayley a little bit, and Michelle's son Skylar even played with me. I got hugs from Michelle's husband Mark when we arrived, and even Betty's first husband said hello to Maddy and I. They were so welcoming and loving, I couldn't help but love being there.
One huge, huge, HUGE thing about Betty's kids and step-kids. They have all been so accepting and loving towards my sister Maddy. For those who don't know, Maddy has downs syndrome. This doesn't matter to Betty's kids though. They talk to her, help her with things, play with her. It's like she's been part of their family all their lives and she fits in so perfectly. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude and appreciation for their love and affection towards her. They showed it, and you could feel it. I can always feel it with them. It's so amazing.
I was, and still am, very grateful that I went to these parties, because it taught me something very important. My attitude towards the situation is what made it bad or good for me. It had absolutely nothing to do with Betty's kids or my dad or Betty or anyone else that was there. It was all me. I made the decision to go because I wanted to. I made the decision that I wasn't going to let the fact that we aren't blood related keep me from treating them like family and accepting them as such.
Because that's what they are. Family.
I wish the situation was as simple as that, but it's not. Unfortunately, some of my own siblings are having a hard time with accepting the new additions to our family. I don't know what it is that is that's causing the roadblock. Maybe some of them are just shy and, like me, uncertain of what to do or how to react. I can see this as a possibility for a couple of my siblings because I know that they are more shy and that's just how it is.
But some of my siblings I truly don't understand why they are so against all of this. Sometimes I get the feeling that some of them are only doing it because this brother or sister is so adamant against it and that is rather frustrating. Honestly though, I have no idea.
It's disappointing to say the least.
Betty and her kids are such good, amazing, wonderful people. Yes they have their shortcomings, like we all do, but they are still good people, and they have helped my dad to be a good person too. They have blessed him in so many ways by accepting him into their lives, and they have blessed Maddy as well. I'm grateful for them, and I love them all dearly.
I wish my brothers and sisters would too.
It's hard, because no matter what I say or do, I can't make my brothers and sisters change. I can't make them like our step-mom and our step-siblings. It is a decision they have to make for themselves, and until they do things will always feel awkward for them and they will always feel off-balance.
Regardless of how frustrated I am and how disappointed I feel with my brothers and sisters there is nothing in the world that could make me stop loving them. No matter their choices, their decisions, I will always, always, always love them.
I am grateful that I have such a unique family. I am grateful that God puts people into our lives to help us and to teach us. I am grateful for God's hand in joining these families, for I most assuredly believe that he did have a hand in it, alongside my mother and Betty's husband Lamar.
This is a family too, and maybe, someday, we can all act like one.
Be grateful for your family. No family is perfect and some of them are just downright awful, but God gave you your family for a reason, whether it was to give you support in your times of need, or to give you strength to help others who are in need. So make the decision to do the right thing, to see the good and to have a positive attitude. It isn't easy, and you will have your days when you just don't feel like being happy (trust me, I've had my fair share of those), but never give up. Keep pressing forward. If you have to take a day to just cry and feel sad, that's okay. Just don't be afraid to get back up and keep going.
Have a fantastic day everybody! You're all wonderful, lovely, beautiful people!
I am not going to be talking about that picture, though I think it is something for people to think about. Instead, I am going to talk about a kind of family that isn't included on that picture. Probably because it would be difficult to portray it as simply as the other examples because, well, this kind of family is a little more complicated.
I am speaking of the step-family. Families where one or two people re-marry, whether from divorce or death of the previous spouse, and there are kids involved. When I say kids, I am referring to young and old offspring, not just those under 18.
This kind of family is complicated because there are several emotions and varying opinions held by the members of that family. The kids may have a hard time accepting their new step-parent for one reason or another. Perhaps they are afraid that their own parent has forgotten the other one and replaced him or her. In the case of a dead spouse the kid can't do a whole lot really, as their other parent is no longer in this life. For divorced parents, I guess the kid could go all Parent Trap on their parents and try to get them back together, but I doubt that really happens.
There is also the trouble of step-siblings. When someone has to deal with step-siblings, it can be uncomfortable and maybe a bit daunting. You're life has just added a new parent to the equation and with him or her came more variables, and like a bad algebra problem it hurts just thinking about putting it all together and coming up with a solution.
In this case, some people will just walk away from the problem and choose not to deal with it, to ignore it because it is the easier option. Unfortunately, this method of dealing with the problem is not the best and only creates more problems.
Unlike an algebraic equation, human interactions and relationships aren't always so cut and dry. You have emotions to deal with as well, which can have multiple variables and values for one person at any given time. These variables and values fluctuate and change, some more often than others. This being said, to simply walk away from what you don't want to deal with will solve nothing and only adds to those emotional variables.
Thus far this post has been mostly logical and technical. Well, now I'm going to delve into the emotional, the personal part.
My mom passed away four years ago. Her death put my dad into an awful nose dive of depression that was painful for anyone who cared to look and see it. When he met my step-mom, Betty, he was able to find the relief he needed to change and get his life back on track and heading in the right direction.
When my dad told me he was going to marry Betty, I wasn't happy. I wasn't ready for him to re-marry, despite the fact that he was happy and I could see it. It had nothing to do with him or with Betty, it was me. I argued that it was too soon, that he should wait, but honestly, I don't think it would have mattered if he waited a month or a year, I would never be ready until I decided to be.
At first I didn't know how to act with Betty. I mean, how does a step-daughter act with her step-mom? Would my accepting her cause me to forget my own mother completely? Did I have to push my mom out of my heart in order to even try to love Betty? Would loving her and accepting her be hurtful or disrespectful to my mother?
No.
Just because I let Betty into my heart and let her become the mother figure in my life, does not mean that I have forgotten my mom, or that I don't love her, or that I am being disrespectful of her. It means that I have finally moved past the pain of losing her to mortality, and I have opened my heart to others. When your best friend moves away and you don't know when you will see them again, you make new friends. You never forget that first best friend and you never stop loving them, you just make room for more.
Well, that's all it is with my step-mom. It was just a matter of making room in my heart for her too. Once I decided to do that, once I made the decision to change my attitude about the situation, it became easy for me to accept her and I have now reached the point where I don't even think twice about it. She is my step-mom and I love her very much.
Betty was married twice before my dad and has 6 kids of her own, plus a few step-kids (her late husband, Lamar, was married previously and had children with his first wife). I wasn't sure how to approach the whole step-sibling thing. Again, I found myself uncertain of how to act or what I was supposed to do. But, having already decided to accept Betty into my life, I decided I should go into the situation with the desire to make her children part of my life as well. And you know what? It has made all the difference.
In the beginning when it came to family parties with Betty's kids I was rather shy and I kept to myself, not really feeling like I fit in. But, as I have made the decision to change that, to go to these parties and events with the intention of being part of the group I have felt more and more accepted each time I go.
I recently had two opportunities to spend time with Betty's kids and step-kids. The first was a birthday party in Bountiful. The party was at Cindy's house (Lamar's daughter) and it was for her second son's sixteenth birthday. I had decided to go to the party and while I left my dad and Betty with the impression that I was only going for the free food, there was a small part of me that wanted to go. I wanted to move past the awkwardness and the attitude that they weren't really my siblings and try to make the best of it.
While I was there I didn't really talk to anyone, mostly because I am shy and as I didn't know the people there very well I didn't know what to say. But I listened to everyone as they talked, I took interest in what was going on in their lives and what they were sharing, and I felt like I was meant to be there, like I fit right in in spite of saying nothing. After the party everyone was so kind and so willing to express their gratitude for my being there that I couldn't help feeling accepted. Some of them even gave me hugs and I haven't ever talked to them in my life. What awesome people!
The second happened this last week. There was a party for my step-brother Ben's wife (Ben is Betty's son from her first marriage). While there I talked a little with my step-brother Simeon and with my step-sister Michelle. I even talked with Ben's daughter Tayley a little bit, and Michelle's son Skylar even played with me. I got hugs from Michelle's husband Mark when we arrived, and even Betty's first husband said hello to Maddy and I. They were so welcoming and loving, I couldn't help but love being there.
One huge, huge, HUGE thing about Betty's kids and step-kids. They have all been so accepting and loving towards my sister Maddy. For those who don't know, Maddy has downs syndrome. This doesn't matter to Betty's kids though. They talk to her, help her with things, play with her. It's like she's been part of their family all their lives and she fits in so perfectly. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude and appreciation for their love and affection towards her. They showed it, and you could feel it. I can always feel it with them. It's so amazing.
I was, and still am, very grateful that I went to these parties, because it taught me something very important. My attitude towards the situation is what made it bad or good for me. It had absolutely nothing to do with Betty's kids or my dad or Betty or anyone else that was there. It was all me. I made the decision to go because I wanted to. I made the decision that I wasn't going to let the fact that we aren't blood related keep me from treating them like family and accepting them as such.
Because that's what they are. Family.
I wish the situation was as simple as that, but it's not. Unfortunately, some of my own siblings are having a hard time with accepting the new additions to our family. I don't know what it is that is that's causing the roadblock. Maybe some of them are just shy and, like me, uncertain of what to do or how to react. I can see this as a possibility for a couple of my siblings because I know that they are more shy and that's just how it is.
But some of my siblings I truly don't understand why they are so against all of this. Sometimes I get the feeling that some of them are only doing it because this brother or sister is so adamant against it and that is rather frustrating. Honestly though, I have no idea.
It's disappointing to say the least.
Betty and her kids are such good, amazing, wonderful people. Yes they have their shortcomings, like we all do, but they are still good people, and they have helped my dad to be a good person too. They have blessed him in so many ways by accepting him into their lives, and they have blessed Maddy as well. I'm grateful for them, and I love them all dearly.
I wish my brothers and sisters would too.
It's hard, because no matter what I say or do, I can't make my brothers and sisters change. I can't make them like our step-mom and our step-siblings. It is a decision they have to make for themselves, and until they do things will always feel awkward for them and they will always feel off-balance.
Regardless of how frustrated I am and how disappointed I feel with my brothers and sisters there is nothing in the world that could make me stop loving them. No matter their choices, their decisions, I will always, always, always love them.
I am grateful that I have such a unique family. I am grateful that God puts people into our lives to help us and to teach us. I am grateful for God's hand in joining these families, for I most assuredly believe that he did have a hand in it, alongside my mother and Betty's husband Lamar.
This is a family too, and maybe, someday, we can all act like one.
Be grateful for your family. No family is perfect and some of them are just downright awful, but God gave you your family for a reason, whether it was to give you support in your times of need, or to give you strength to help others who are in need. So make the decision to do the right thing, to see the good and to have a positive attitude. It isn't easy, and you will have your days when you just don't feel like being happy (trust me, I've had my fair share of those), but never give up. Keep pressing forward. If you have to take a day to just cry and feel sad, that's okay. Just don't be afraid to get back up and keep going.
Have a fantastic day everybody! You're all wonderful, lovely, beautiful people!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
He Who Reads Lives A Thousand Lives
Disclaimer: This post may contain spoilers. I have omitted character names and the title of the book I will be discussing, but there are some facts in it that may or may not give it away. Just a heads up. ;)
This summer I have been participating in my local library's reading challenge. Complete the challenge and you get a free book (or a $5.00 fine waiver, whichever you prefer). They are also throwing in a free pass to the Natural History Museum (totally stoked!).
Anyways, I decided to finish reading a book that I had started a couple of years ago but stopped because I just wasn't in the mood for it at the time. And let me tell you, it was one heck of a ride.
The book was the last in a series of spy novels. As the story has progressed and led up to this final mission for the main character, the missions have become more and more intense. Which is totally cool with me by the way. I love when an author can get me glued to a book. It tells me they have done a good job.
In this book a criminal organization that the main character has defeated twice before in previous books decides they are going to take another shot at bringing him down. Several things take place and he ends up in a foreign country undercover. As he is underage (only 15) he is accompanied by his housekeeper and legal guardian, who has essentially become the only family he has as his parents were killed when he was a small child.
However, the mission turns out to be a ruse, a trap designed to lure the main character to the very organization that wants him dead. He nearly gets blown up while on a boat and then comes close to drowning after the explosion. He also ends up a prisoner at an old fort in the middle of the desert. A fort that has a scorpion infestation.
That's not even the worst part.
The two key players in this plot to take him down want nothing more than to cause him pain. The first is a gentleman with an odd fascination for pain. He tortures people for the mere "scientific benefit" of it (can anyone say, crazy??). The second is a boy his age who, by unfortunate happenstance and as the result of another crazy person's plot to take over the world, has the main character's face. This boy loathes the main character with every fiber of his being. Ever since the two faced off against each other in a previous book this crazy kid has dreamed of nothing more than to kill him, slowly if possible, and in the most cruel and painful way he can think of.
Unfortunately for these two nut jobs, the greater plot of the criminal organization that hired them both prevents them from causing him any physical pain. Their plan requires that he not be harmed or else it all falls to pieces. So how do they break him? How do you hurt someone you can't touch?
Attack his family. And they did.
I cannot begin to tell you of the emotional turmoil I fought as I realized what they were going to do. I kept telling myself it couldn't happen, they wouldn't kill the closest thing he has to a family. They wouldn't. They couldn't. I silently prayed that somehow, someway, she would make it out, that she would get away. But it didn't happen, and I found myself forced to set the book aside as a I wept.
They had broken him, this character that I had come to care about and love over the past few years. I had experienced his pains and his hardships as each mission became more bleak, more deadly. I watched as he grew and I saw how the weight of each mission pressed down on his spirit and I kept telling myself there had to be some kind of happy ending. He was supposed to leave the country with this friend, his family, go somewhere safe where the people responsible for throwing him into the world of espionage could not get to him. Where he could heal and be a kid, like he was supposed to be. Instead he was pulled into it again. She was killed and he watched it happen.
After her death I struggled to keep reading. There was still a good hundred pages left of the book, and he still had to stop whatever was about to happen. He still had to take down the two people responsible for her death. He was successful, of course, but at a great cost. The light had been extinguished from his eyes. The life that had been in him was gone. He was a broken child, forced to grow up by adults who cared only what use he could be to them.
It was a great book.
I know what you're thinking. "What the heck? How is that a great book? Didn't you just say it caused you emotional damage to experience? How is that good?"
The truth is, life is full of painful experiences that we have to endure. Experiences that are meant to make us stronger. It may seem odd that I am drawing such wisdom from an experience so seemingly insignificant as reading a book, but I have learned a great deal from the adventures this author has allowed me to take part in.
First of all, I've learned the importance of taking care of children. Children are meant to be that, children. They should not have to deal with the pains, pressures, and disappointments of the grown up world until they enter into it. Does that mean we should shelter them, keep them hidden from the big bad world until they are 16, 17, 18? Of course not. We want them to be prepared to enter the world, but we don't want to thrust it upon them before their time.
Second, no matter what bad things you have experienced, no matter how bleak, or how awful the world is, there is always a light. In the final pages of the book the main character is at last freed from his bondage of the spy game. He leaves his home to join the family of one of his closest friends who are now his adopted family. While he is not 100% and he will never be the same person, he is healing, and in time he will move past it.
Lastly, and this is more of a lesson in writing, sometimes the story isn't meant to end with a fairy tale "Happily Ever After". There were a number of ways that the story could have ended, one of which being that the housekeeper didn't really die, or that it was never believed she was dead in the first place. However, that wasn't how it was supposed to end. As mush as it saddened me to see how the series ended, to see the results of this final mission as far as the main character's well being, I was satisfied with the ending, because I knew, as a reader and as a writer, that was how it was meant to end.
As a writer, you don't always know how the story is going to end. I mean, sometimes the ending will come to me in the early stages and I can build up to it. Sometimes, however, as I write, I may come to learn that the ending I have planned, the one I am leading up to, isn't how it's supposed to end.
And what do I do in that situation? What do I do when I realize that the story isn't going to end in the happily ever after way that I originally wanted? I keep writing. I work towards that end that I know is the right one because, in my heart, I know it has to be that way. I know that changing it would take from the story's integrity, and I would never be satisfied with it.
I guess that could be more than just a writing lesson, couldn't it? Sometimes in our lives we are faced with situations that we do not want to accept. We try to tell ourselves "No, that isn't how it's going to be" and we try to force it to change, try to will it to be different. Like the family whose loved one is brain dead but the body is functioning with the help of machines. Maybe he or she will wake up and everything will be fine, but what if that's not how the story is supposed to end? Yes, the family can choose to keep the machines on, keep the body "alive", but will that really be enough? Are they truly satisfied and happy with that?
I love how this started out as a book review and became a deep philosophical post... Lol.
I encourage you all to read a book. I've heard it said that he who does not read lives one life. But he who reads lives a thousand lives. I know this to be a true fact, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to read. It is great blessing to me.
Thank you for your continued reading of my blog, and for your support. As I have said before, I would love to know more about my readers, so feel free to leave a comment below. Maybe tell me about the last good book you read, or the book that has impacted you the most in your life.
Thanks again!
This summer I have been participating in my local library's reading challenge. Complete the challenge and you get a free book (or a $5.00 fine waiver, whichever you prefer). They are also throwing in a free pass to the Natural History Museum (totally stoked!).
Anyways, I decided to finish reading a book that I had started a couple of years ago but stopped because I just wasn't in the mood for it at the time. And let me tell you, it was one heck of a ride.
The book was the last in a series of spy novels. As the story has progressed and led up to this final mission for the main character, the missions have become more and more intense. Which is totally cool with me by the way. I love when an author can get me glued to a book. It tells me they have done a good job.
In this book a criminal organization that the main character has defeated twice before in previous books decides they are going to take another shot at bringing him down. Several things take place and he ends up in a foreign country undercover. As he is underage (only 15) he is accompanied by his housekeeper and legal guardian, who has essentially become the only family he has as his parents were killed when he was a small child.
However, the mission turns out to be a ruse, a trap designed to lure the main character to the very organization that wants him dead. He nearly gets blown up while on a boat and then comes close to drowning after the explosion. He also ends up a prisoner at an old fort in the middle of the desert. A fort that has a scorpion infestation.
That's not even the worst part.
The two key players in this plot to take him down want nothing more than to cause him pain. The first is a gentleman with an odd fascination for pain. He tortures people for the mere "scientific benefit" of it (can anyone say, crazy??). The second is a boy his age who, by unfortunate happenstance and as the result of another crazy person's plot to take over the world, has the main character's face. This boy loathes the main character with every fiber of his being. Ever since the two faced off against each other in a previous book this crazy kid has dreamed of nothing more than to kill him, slowly if possible, and in the most cruel and painful way he can think of.
Unfortunately for these two nut jobs, the greater plot of the criminal organization that hired them both prevents them from causing him any physical pain. Their plan requires that he not be harmed or else it all falls to pieces. So how do they break him? How do you hurt someone you can't touch?
Attack his family. And they did.
I cannot begin to tell you of the emotional turmoil I fought as I realized what they were going to do. I kept telling myself it couldn't happen, they wouldn't kill the closest thing he has to a family. They wouldn't. They couldn't. I silently prayed that somehow, someway, she would make it out, that she would get away. But it didn't happen, and I found myself forced to set the book aside as a I wept.
They had broken him, this character that I had come to care about and love over the past few years. I had experienced his pains and his hardships as each mission became more bleak, more deadly. I watched as he grew and I saw how the weight of each mission pressed down on his spirit and I kept telling myself there had to be some kind of happy ending. He was supposed to leave the country with this friend, his family, go somewhere safe where the people responsible for throwing him into the world of espionage could not get to him. Where he could heal and be a kid, like he was supposed to be. Instead he was pulled into it again. She was killed and he watched it happen.
After her death I struggled to keep reading. There was still a good hundred pages left of the book, and he still had to stop whatever was about to happen. He still had to take down the two people responsible for her death. He was successful, of course, but at a great cost. The light had been extinguished from his eyes. The life that had been in him was gone. He was a broken child, forced to grow up by adults who cared only what use he could be to them.
It was a great book.
I know what you're thinking. "What the heck? How is that a great book? Didn't you just say it caused you emotional damage to experience? How is that good?"
The truth is, life is full of painful experiences that we have to endure. Experiences that are meant to make us stronger. It may seem odd that I am drawing such wisdom from an experience so seemingly insignificant as reading a book, but I have learned a great deal from the adventures this author has allowed me to take part in.
First of all, I've learned the importance of taking care of children. Children are meant to be that, children. They should not have to deal with the pains, pressures, and disappointments of the grown up world until they enter into it. Does that mean we should shelter them, keep them hidden from the big bad world until they are 16, 17, 18? Of course not. We want them to be prepared to enter the world, but we don't want to thrust it upon them before their time.
Second, no matter what bad things you have experienced, no matter how bleak, or how awful the world is, there is always a light. In the final pages of the book the main character is at last freed from his bondage of the spy game. He leaves his home to join the family of one of his closest friends who are now his adopted family. While he is not 100% and he will never be the same person, he is healing, and in time he will move past it.
Lastly, and this is more of a lesson in writing, sometimes the story isn't meant to end with a fairy tale "Happily Ever After". There were a number of ways that the story could have ended, one of which being that the housekeeper didn't really die, or that it was never believed she was dead in the first place. However, that wasn't how it was supposed to end. As mush as it saddened me to see how the series ended, to see the results of this final mission as far as the main character's well being, I was satisfied with the ending, because I knew, as a reader and as a writer, that was how it was meant to end.
As a writer, you don't always know how the story is going to end. I mean, sometimes the ending will come to me in the early stages and I can build up to it. Sometimes, however, as I write, I may come to learn that the ending I have planned, the one I am leading up to, isn't how it's supposed to end.
And what do I do in that situation? What do I do when I realize that the story isn't going to end in the happily ever after way that I originally wanted? I keep writing. I work towards that end that I know is the right one because, in my heart, I know it has to be that way. I know that changing it would take from the story's integrity, and I would never be satisfied with it.
I guess that could be more than just a writing lesson, couldn't it? Sometimes in our lives we are faced with situations that we do not want to accept. We try to tell ourselves "No, that isn't how it's going to be" and we try to force it to change, try to will it to be different. Like the family whose loved one is brain dead but the body is functioning with the help of machines. Maybe he or she will wake up and everything will be fine, but what if that's not how the story is supposed to end? Yes, the family can choose to keep the machines on, keep the body "alive", but will that really be enough? Are they truly satisfied and happy with that?
I love how this started out as a book review and became a deep philosophical post... Lol.
I encourage you all to read a book. I've heard it said that he who does not read lives one life. But he who reads lives a thousand lives. I know this to be a true fact, and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to read. It is great blessing to me.
Thank you for your continued reading of my blog, and for your support. As I have said before, I would love to know more about my readers, so feel free to leave a comment below. Maybe tell me about the last good book you read, or the book that has impacted you the most in your life.
Thanks again!
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