Something my readers may or may not know about me is that I have a tendency to keep bits of a story to myself. Sometimes the bits are unimportant, but a lot of the time the bits are important and I am afraid to say them out loud, afraid to admit that I am not always the strong-willed, carefree, nothing-will-get-me-down person that I make myself out to be. Sometimes I don't say it because I feel like I owe it to myself not to let it get to me, to just let it go and act like it doesn't bother me, because it shouldn't. But, honestly, it does. It's what makes me human, feeling bothered by things. Feeling in general really.
I am very independent, yet I need people. It's kind of weird how that works, but it's a truth about me that again, people may or may not know. I don't like to ask for help very often even when I know it's what I really need.
I'm not sure why I am posting this. Maybe because I have been thinking about relationships a lot and therefore thinking about this. Maybe I just want to blog and this was the only thing on my mind. Or maybe, and this is feeling like a big possibility, I need to be honest, to get out the whole story of what happened so that people know. I need to let people know the whole story, to admit that I was more affected by it than I let on, that, in a small way, I still am.
Some names have been changed for privacy reasons. If you know who it is, or you have a guess, don't say anything. I would rather it stay anonymous.
My first semester at college was interesting. I was determined to do this on my own, like usual, but that first day, when I had my car unloaded and I was sitting by myself in my room, realizing that I was alone, I cried. I had one friend from high school there and that was it. I had determined that I would make friends though, in spite of the fact that I was pretty shy and worried that nobody would want to be friends with someone as crazy as me.
I met Bryce in my Scene Painting class. I recognized him from my Acting class and so I decided to sit by him and introduce myself. I thought he was cute, and figured it wouldn't hurt to try and make friends. I nearly chickened out, but thankfully, it didn't happen. I had no idea what would come from that simple decision to just say "hi" and make some small talk.
We discovered that we lived in the same building, which was nice because it meant that we could walk home from classes together. At first he was just a nice friend who I found physically attractive but after spending more time with him I discovered that I liked him more than I thought. I asked him to go with me to an institute dance but unfortunately he had already been asked. Since we couldn't go to the dance though, we agreed to just go out on a date. The date consisted of dinner, playing air hockey at the bowling alley (confession: I didn't play as hard as I could have, mostly because I felt self conscious), and then a movie back at my place.
After spraining my ankle at the institute dance, I ended up using crutches for a little while. He offered to help by carrying my shoulder bag home for me. I thought about saying no--I thought I was managing just fine--but I agreed to let him help me.
I distinctly remember the paint fights we had occasion to get into during our painting class, and there was a time or two when we would get together outside of classes and do math (turned out we had that class together as well).
Summer went by and I thought maybe I didn't like him as much as I thought I did. Boy, was I wrong. As soon as we started up at school again those feelings came rushing back like water when the levee breaks.
That semester I started asking Bryce to go for walks. I figured it was a great way to build up a friendship with him (advice given by one of my roommates). It was great to just go out and walk around town talking with him and getting to know him better. Confession: I miss going on walks with him.
I finally got up the nerve to tell Bryce how I really felt. We had gone to an institute dance together (no sprained ankles this time!) and I had every intention of telling him when he dropped me off that night. I chickened out, at least enough to not say it to his face. So I texted him (NEVER TELL SOMEONE YOU LIKE THEM OVER TEXT. IT'S STUPID AND I REGRET DOING IT).
He told me that he wanted to talk to me about it in person. So we agreed to go for a walk the following afternoon. Much to my disappointment, he wasn't interested in having a girlfriend. I remember going home, pretending like it didn't bother me, but it didn't work. I ended up crying for a good hour or so. Luckily my liking him didn't really change our friendship. We continued to hang out, continued going on walks, things were okay. As time went by I kept telling myself that it was okay to be his friend and by the end of that semester that's how I honestly felt.
At the outset of that following semester I had a feeling that I needed to tell him that I still had feelings for him. While I was successful in doing so, I didn't really put across to him just how much I liked him. He simply said, "Okay" and we left it at that. Again, things went back to normal.
While I told Bryce that I still liked him, I had held back, and that bothered me. I wanted him to know that he was the first guy that I had felt that strongly about, that I had been considering that seriously. I wanted to tell him the truth, the whole truth.
That year Valentines weekend was a long one because it was followed by a holiday. I had made the choice to stay at school, since I had been home a few times already that semester and I really didn't have the funding to go up again. That Saturday, the 13th, I was invited to a Valentine's dinner that another girl in my building, Megan, was holding for those who had decided to stay at school over the long weekend. At the dinner I could tell that she liked Bryce. This realization made me even more determined to tell him.
I invited him to go for a walk the next day. He agreed and my heart was pounding in my chest. I had no idea what was going to happen, if he was going to reject me, if I was even going to say everything I wanted to say. Well he came over and asked me if by chance I would be willing to join him, Megan, and some other people on an outing to a nearby town because she wanted to take pictures at the temple. I breathed a sigh of relief; a way out of what I was about to do. It seemed like a good idea.
It turned out that only one other guy, nicknamed Sarge, would be joining us since the others had things to do. I didn't mind. When we arrived we started walking the grounds. There was a great deal of snow (naturally, it was the middle of February) and Megan was having a hard time getting up the hill with all of the snow. So, the boys were helping her out. That's when I started to notice that she was clinging to Bryce, that all of the pictures of her had him in it and there were maybe a handful of the many pictures taken that actually had my face in it.
No, no, no, I thought to myself. Please no, please tell me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here. Tell me there isn't anything going on.
After a while we made our way back to the college and went to play at local park. We slow danced in the parking lot (naturally, I was paired with Sarge) and then we went to play. That's when Bryce and Megan started holding hands.
I was crushed. It took everything in me to keep from crying. The last thing I needed was to let them know something was wrong. I didn't really talk a lot though, and in retrospect I think that may have tipped them off. The other three started having a snowball fight and at first I didn't want to join in. But then I picked up some snow, fashioned a ball and threw hit rather forcefully at Bryce. I was angry, and hurt in a big way, but I tried to keep my face and voice lighthearted. Eventually we got too cold to play anymore and we decided to go back home. Megan invited us all for hot chocolate at her place. I told them I had homework I needed to do, but thanks for the invite and for the fun.
When I got back to my apartment I had hoped that the one roommate who had arrived home just before my outing with Bryce would still be the only one home. I didn't feel much like talking about what happened. I just wanted to go to my room and cry. However my roommate Brianna who I actually shared a room with had arrived while I was gone. So I asked her how her weekend was and then I locked myself in our bathroom and cried silently for nearly an hour. Finally I had to get out of the apartment, I had to go somewhere where I could cry freely without worrying about someone catching me, which in my head meant I would have to divulge what had happened.
I got in my car and went for a drive. At first I tried not to get too emotional but then I couldn't do it anymore. I started to cry, uncontrollably, and I began talking aloud, well, more like screaming aloud. It hurt so much; the pain of losing my mom was the only emotional pain that out ranked the pain I was feeling right then. And so, naturally, I did what I always do when feeling that way. I poured out my feelings and thoughts to God, telling him how unfair it was, how much it hurt, how angry I was at Bryce and Megan. I told him how much I hated falling in love, how much I hated being let down, how much my heart was breaking, how shattered it was.
I drove for an hour and a half, maybe closer to two hours, before finally deciding to go back to my apartment. I stopped off at the malt shop and bought a nice, large, chocolate shake to help me out. When I got home again my roommates all asked if I was okay. I told them I was fine.
That night we had our roommate prayers and then we went to bed. I did my daily scripture reading, like always, and then I got on my knees for personal prayers. I was still angry, only this time I was directing that anger at God. I can't remember my entire stream of logic that ended with that result, but that's what it was. After trying to think of something to be grateful for, a blessing that I needed, and drawing a blank in my mind I finally just told him I was angry, and that I had nothing to say. I then climbed into bed and tried to go to sleep.
Before turning out the light to go to sleep Brianna asked if I really was okay. I lied, partly because I wanted it to be true, but mostly because I just didn't want to talk about it. The experience had been bad enough, I didn't want to re-live it. The lights went out, she climbed into her own bed and we both tried to sleep. Try being the key word.
Thoughts of the day came flooding back and as hard as I tried I couldn't hold back the tears and the sobs. I heard Brianna turn over and say, "Stephanie" in one of those "don't tell me everything is okay because it obviously isn't" kind of tones. She recruited two of our fellow roommates to come and talk to me. Lora asked me if something happened while I was out with Bryce. I just kept crying and when I had calmed down enough to speak I said, "I think Bryce is dating Megan." There was silence from my roommates. They asked if I was sure and I told them what had happened. Eventually I got to a point where I was calm enough that I could go to sleep without a problem, and my roommates weren't too worried.
I sent Bryce a text right then saying, "So, you and Megan, huh?" In my mind I had decided that if there wasn't anything going on I would tell him I was teasing, but there wasn't enough hope in me to feel like that was a possibility. The text I received back said, "Stephanie, we need to talk. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to find out this way. I haven't been able to sleep thinking about you."
So I went over to his apartment, letting Lora and Bethany know where I was going so that they wouldn't worry. When I arrived I asked Bryce how long he and Megan had been dating. He said that it just sort of happened that weekend. He asked if I was okay. At this point I had two choices, I could be honest and tell him "No" which could have just caused more strain on our relationship, or I could lie and say that as long as he was happy, then I was okay. I chose the latter.
I don't remember how long we talked, really I don't think it was that long, but at the end of it we hugged and I went home. I told Lora and Bethany what happened and then tried to get some sleep. It didn't work though. I called my dad and told him what happened. "I knew there was a reason I couldn't sleep," he said. We talked for a while and then he told me to try and get some sleep. It was after four in the morning, but I still was having trouble.
That's when I went out into the living room and decided to do some reading. I read my patriarchal blessing, something that has helped me through tough times in the past, and I came to a conclusion. I felt horrible, not just because of what happened with Bryce but for blaming God. I got on my knees, prepared to tell him just how sorry I was and beg for his forgiveness, and I started crying again.
It was there, crying on my living room floor, when I felt an overwhelming sense of love. In my mind I told myself I didn't deserve it, not after how I had acted, but I knew that whether I thought that or not, God was giving it to me, no questions asked, no strings attached. Only then was I able to finally lie in bed and get some sleep.
While I had repaired my relationship with God, I still felt awful about the whole Bryce thing. That first day back to classes (a Tuesday) as I was walking home from campus I was texting Bryce's roommate. He thanked me for going over to talk to Bryce and then told me that if there was anything he could do for me to let him know.
Later that day my roommates and some of our other friends had planned a homework party at the cabin of one of Bryce's other roommates. I didn't want to go; his roommates would be there, the girlfriends/friends of his roommates would be there, and so would my roommates. Most of the people going might have known what had happened, or at least the general idea of it. Alas, my roommates refused to let me lie in bed and mope, something that in retrospect I am truly grateful for. It felt a little awkward being there, but it was a welcomed escape from everything.
I hoped that as the week passed I would get over the incident, but it didn't happen. I was grateful that the one class we had together that week had been canceled due to the opening of the musical because that would be one less opportunity for me to see him. There was a close encounter though. I was coming back from a class and as I neared our building I could hear Bryce's apartment door opening, and Bryce's voice trailing through the air as he talked with his roommate. I quickened my pace, praying that I would miss them. I turned down the sidewalk towards my section of the building and slipped out of sight just as, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bryce emerge from the apartment. I was pretty sure he saw me, but I didn't bother turning around to acknowledge him.
The week came to a close and while I almost made it, not a day went by that I didn't spend a good hour crying about what happened. Sunday arrived and I knew I would be faced with seeing both Bryce and Megan (since they were both in my ward). I was terrified, uncertain of how it would go. Thankfully I made it through, though there was a moment when I thought I might lose my composure.
As time went by I was able to get back to a place where I could talk to Bryce, though we never spoke about what happened. I would occasionally ask how he and Megan were doing, but other than that we didn't really talk about it. We didn't go on any walks; I would've felt weird going on a walk with him knowing that he had a girlfriend. Weeks later Megan and Bryce broke up. I had mixed feelings at that time. I considered asking Bryce out on a date but chose to keep that door closed. I was afraid what might happen, and I didn't want to be a "rebound" girl.
I kept telling myself that I wanted to go for a walk with Bryce, knowing that it would probably be my last chance since he was graduating and going on to a university. But everything still felt weird to me. As finals week approached I decided to just get over it and do it. So I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. We planned for it and I remember during the days leading up to it I felt super nervous, more than I should have.
The walk went well, we talked about our plans for the summer and whatnot, and that was it.
That summer I spent some time with my brother and his wife, who was due to have their first baby soon. My job was to take her to the hospital if she started to go into labor while he was at work. In the middle of my stay I drove back home for a short time to watch one of my nieces while my sister and her other two kids were out on a field trip. On the drive up I started playing with a story idea in my head, thinking out the dialogue that two of the characters might have with each other and as I did the things that I was saying began to have nothing to do with the story. In fact, they had to do with Bryce. I realized that I was still a hurt, still a bit angry about what happened. I started to cry and I scolded myself for being so upset about it. After all it had been months, I should've been more over it than I was. Or a least I thought so.
Days later I sent Bryce a text and we talked a little about what happened. Again, some parts of the story I didn't tell him, figuring that they didn't really need to be said, not now. Finally I asked him if he thought it was possible for a guy like him to ever fall for a girl like me. He told me yes, and then he told me that I was an incredible person and that there were times when he would wonder why it was that he didn't like me as more than a friend. While it may not have seemed like a big deal to him, it meant a lot to me that he told me that.
I have seen him once since then--he came down to watch a play--but other than that our communication comes through texting.
As I come to the end of this post I realize what it was that drove me to write it. I needed to write it down, or type it up, but more than that it needed to be shared also. To be honest, I'm not so sure if my own journal entry has as complete a copy of this story as this post is.
I have no hard feelings against anyone involved in this story. I still consider Megan a friend, and Bryce is still on my best of friends list. I won't lie, I still like Bryce, and at this time if he were to ever ask me out, I would so do it. But, I am also over him enough that I could spend the rest of my life just being his friend without any problem whatsoever.
This experience is important to me because of a few things.
1-It was the first time I ever had my heart broken by a guy, an event that while it is far from pleasant, I feel it is an important experience that has helped me to grow in ways that I couldn't have had it never happened.
2-It is my proof that no matter how tough of a situation I find myself in, good things can always come from it if I am willing to let them.
3-I learned about my father's love; both my earthly father and my Heavenly Father.
4-I learned just how much my friends care.
5-I am strong enough to get through whatever challenges life throws at me.
6-It's okay to cry when you're hurting. Sometimes it's the best medicine.
7-Hard times don't break friendships, it's how we handle them.
8-Just because a guy isn't interested in me the way I am interested in him, it doesn't mean that I am not good enough.
9-It's okay to let others see your "weak" side.
10-God is good.
Thanks to all of you that actually made it to the end of this post. Like I said, I needed to tell this story and tell all of it, not just the basics.
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