Spotlight: Mom

I have been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life and about how blessed I am to have them in my life. As a result, I have decided that once a week I am going to do a "spotlight" on one of these people, beginning with members of my family. I have a lot of people that I love dearly, so I am confident that I will never run out of people to talk about. :)

My first spotlight goes out to my mom, Janette, who passed away two and a half years ago. I can't tell you what my earliest memory of her is, but I have plenty of memories in general to share.

When we were younger my mom would read to us. She would sit in our room with us (the four youngest girls all shared a room) and she would read fairytales, stories about people in the scriptures, Dr. Seuss, but mostly what I remember is reading the Wizard of Oz series.

When I was in the 2nd grade I got sick. At first I just broke out in red spots and my joints would swell up. Eventually however we discovered that I had a disease called Henoch Schonlein Purpura. I made a couple of trips to the hospital, and once I had to spend the night. I remember my mom being there with me, something that I greatly appreciated.

My mom had diabetes and with it came heart problems. When I was in elementary school she had her first heart attack. I was asleep when it happened, so the next morning when we were all getting up for family prayers my dad told us all what had happened. I remember being scared, but other than that there isn't much else. This was just the first of my mom's visits to the hospital.

I remember mom coming to band concerts and other performances. While I am sure we would have been alright if she hadn't come, we always loved it when she did.

It was always our goal to make her cry whenever we gave her gifts (not because she was sad mind you, but because she was touched by the gifts we gave her) and as the years passed it became harder and harder to do it. I think one of the most memorable times when we made mom cry was when we gave her a Lego version of her dream house, complete with Lego people representative of her family. I still have the image of her surprised face in my mind.

Her favorite Disney Princess was Aurora. She loved watching the Santa Clause movies whenever she didn't feel well. She loved to crochet (there are quite a few people with a crocheted item from mom) and she loved crafts in general.

Mom was a writer. She loved stories and I remember the countless times when I would tell her about my own stories and how she was always happy to hear about them. She was also an artist, mostly drawing but she did have a few paintings as well as some ceramics.

Mom passed away May 31, 2009. I remember thinking it was all just a horrible nightmare that I was going to wake up from. But when the nightmare didn't end, I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I went to work like I was supposed to, kept going on with my life, though it was never easy. It's still hard. I was tasked with speaking at my mom's funeral and while I tried as hard as I could, words wouldn't come to me. I stayed up late the night before trying to think of something to say. I finally talked to my dad about it. He told me to talk about her family, her kids especially.

During the viewing as people offered their condolences I sat busily writing down everything that I could. By the time the viewing was over, I had finished jotting down what I wanted to say. I was nervous, mostly because I knew I would cry, but everything went smoothly. I still have the notebook with what I said.

I dream about my mom every now and then. About two months after she died I had a dream about her, one that while I don't remember everything that happened, I do remember hugging her, smelling that smell of freshly cleaned clothes that she always had, sitting down and talking with her about something or other. I remember waking up and feeling the empty hole in my chest and wishing that it hadn't been a dream, wishing that I could keep dreaming about her just so that I could be near her.

I think the hardest dream I ever had about her was just a day or two after that first one. It was a dream within a dream, and in the first part my mom would be alive, but then I would "wake up" and she would be dead. I got to a point where, going back and forth between "reality" and "dreaming" I couldn't tell which was real and which was not. Finally, I came to a point where I admitted to myself that my mom wasn't alive anymore, and so that part was just a dream. It hurt, a lot, and I remember feeling the emptiness again when I woke up, but it was something that I think I needed. For those first few months after my mom's death it kind of felt like I was on auto-pilot. I needed to face reality so that I could move on with my life and do it in a way that would make my mom proud.

There have been many times when I have missed my mom, but just as many, if not more, when I have felt her near. Once when I sprained my ankle really bad I was having a hard time sleeping because of the pain. I could feel my mom there, even felt her embracing me, letting me know it was okay. Any time that I have really needed her, she has been there.

I feel her especially close when I go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead. I think about her a lot and wonder if any of the people I am doing work for has been taught by my mom on the other side, and it makes the experience that much better.

My mom was an incredible woman. She didn't judge people and she loved everyone. She had an incredible amount of patience (she had to to raise 9 kids. :P ) and she was always willing to give and receive hugs, even if she wasn't feeling so good. I never doubted that my mother loved me. You could always see it in her face, even when she as upset. She influenced so many people in her lifetime and I hope that I can be just as influential as she has been.