Sollitary Post

solitary

post

nothing

to hold it up

looking 'round

at other posts

reaching to support them

nothing to hold it

or at least

that's how it seems.

sinking, disappearing

like quicksand

no helpful line

to pull

itself out

desperate for

a lifeline

none in sight

it seems.

wanting to cry

out but finding

it hard to

do.

it knows the

other

posts stand

ready to assist

it just has

to ask

but it is

afraid to

say what it thinks

feels.

afraid to show

the weakening knots

in its

fine grains.

afraid that the others

will not understand

or will think

less of

it.

trying to be strong

for the posts

that need it

but not

sure

if the others

feel the same way

about it.

why would they

if they did?

what is so

special

about this

post?

if there is anything

really truly

unique and

extraordinary about

this sad post

why is it then

that the posts

around it

don't see fit to

let the post know?

are they afraid

of something

do they not

know how to

say what they

think?

while they try

to decide what

to say and how

the poor post stands

feeling rather

alone.

Seriously?

Ok, so I have had two dreams in the past week that involved some kind of a natural disaster. The dream I had Sunday night was quite interesting.

I was at my house in Salt Lake and there was something bad about to happen, like, apocalyptic bad or something. There was this teenage boy who had to survive it (don't know why). It was my job to escort him to a safe location but doing so would mean I'd have to leave behind the guy I liked.

I thought about everything and came to a decision. When I came into the living room I was supposed to say goodbye to the guy, but instead I walked over to the boy and hugged him. He looked at me in confusion and I assured him that the other person that was going to go with us was just as capable of keeping him safe. He nodded and then left to get into the helicopter we had waiting for him.

Once he was gone I turned back to the guy. Now he was the one confused. I told him I wasn't leaving without him.

I discovered that there was a bomb in the house. In fact, it was in the living room sitting on the couch that was right next to us. I looked at it and there were just seconds left on the timer. I threw my arms around the guy, tears in my eyes, and he put his arms around me.

Normally in dreams when I am about to die I either wake up or the scene changes, which is what I was expecting to happen. However, I saw the timer come to zero, heard the explosion, and then everything went white.

Seriously? I'm dead? I wondered. That's so weird...

I began to open my eyes and look around me. Apparently, I hadn't died. Don't know how it happened, I mean, I was standing between the guy and the bomb, I should have been dead, but I was alive. I saw the guy sitting next to me looking really worried. He noticed that I was awake and he asked if I was okay.

"I hurt," I told him (of course I was hurting, I just got exploded practically!).

"We'll get you to a hospital," he said. That's when my dad, brother, and little sister showed up. The guy helped me get into their car and then let them take me to the hospital.

Now, after the whole explosion and everything going white, and earthquake had hit the city. Not so convenient, since it messed up all the roads and made it hard to find a nice smooth path to the hospital. As we drove through the city there were no people around. It was strange and a bit creepy.

We drove under a freeway over pass that had a chunk broken off of it. The large mass of cement and re bar had landed in a house conveniently located right next to the freeway. We drove past it and saw another house that was relatively in tact. Out in front of the house there was a little toddler, somewhere between 2 and 4 years old, wandering around. It was crying and looking for its mother.

I wanted to help the kid but I was hurt. I tried to get the other people in the car with me to turn it around so we could go back and help but either I was speaking and they couldn't hear me or I wasn't thinking and thought that I was.

That's when I woke up.

I've had some pretty interesting dreams in the past, I've even had a dream repeat itself, but this is...well, weird. I have never had similar dreams within a week of each other and not ones that were that closely related. My repeat dreams had a year or so between them.

It's weird.

Dreeeeeam Dream Dream Dreeeam

After staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning, 3 nights in a row this past week, I finally got to bed at a reasonable hour last night. Unfortunately the sleep I received was not adequate enough to give my body the proper rest it needs to function fully. So I took a nap this afternoon.

This is what I dreamed...

I was driving to Salt Lake for Fall Break. My roommate Kayla and I stopped off in Provo because my car was in need of gas. Somebody, not sure who, was a smarty and put the gas in the wrong place (in the car I mean--they put it in something under the hood, not sure what it was but that doesn't matter; it was the wrong place). I realized what had happened and started to freak internally. I tried to turn on my car but it wouldn't start.

Crap, crap, crap! I thought to myself. I ruined my car!

After some time the car started. I breathed a sigh of relief, though I was not fully convinced that the vehicle would function alright. I decided that if we kept the car on then maybe we would be okay.

Now, where we had gone to fill up was actually at a McDonald's (apparently selling hamburgers wasn't bringing in enough revenue so they decided to invest in their own gas pumps). Kayla and my little sister (NO idea where she came from, she just popped up out of nowhere like she'd been there the whole time) went into the McDonald's to get some food. Once I got the car to start I decided that I wanted to join them. After all, I was pretty hungry myself. I went to the establishment and found that the line for ordering food snaked all the way out into the parking lot. Craaaaazy.

Anywho, so I decided to find somewhere else to eat, since the line was so long. I realized that there still wasn't gas in my car (at least none that I could actually use) so I tried to find another gas station. I was able to find a Chevron across the street and once I had filled up and was ready to go some guy, about thirty years old, came over and started talking to me. I had no idea who he was and he seemed to think we knew each other.

It only took me a moment to realize he was drunk, or at least hugging the line between "buzzed" and "drunk". There was a concert in Provo that night and he thought I was one of his concert buddies or something. I just smiled and tried to tell him as politely as possible that I didn't know who he was.

There was a lot of traffic, and sensing that he really had no clue what he was doing, I thought I should help him get somewhere safer than the side of a busy road. I rolled down my window some and asked him what his name was.

"Zane," he told me. Apparently he was some kind of celebrity, I think he said he was some popular politician, but I dunno for sure. Anyways, he tried to explain who he was and how it was that he was famous but I kept telling him that I had no clue who he was and that I'd never heard of him.

"Really?" he asked. "Huh." He then proceeded to tell me about how he grew up in the LDS Church but that he'd been inactive for years. I think he assumed that since I was in Provo, I was LDS, which was a correct assumption, but the topic of religion hadn't even come up until he said something.

At that moment a group of girls spotted us. Apparently they knew who he was because they started screaming his name and came running at him. The poor man was practically trampled by this band of screaming fan girls.

Seeing that he was in need of an escape, I unlocked my back door and said, "Get in the car!"

Most of the girls started to dissipate but I suspect they were going off to collect more people with which to maul the poor guy, so I told him again to get in the car.

"I don't think I can move," he groaned.

He looked quite pathetic, lying on the ground like some teenage boy who got tackled by a guy twice his size, but my heart went out to him. He was also kind of cute. I was able to get him into the car and we prepared to take him to a safer location.

Then I woke up. Not sure how it would have ended, but it was rather interesting. :)

Epimedium

WARNING This post may not be suitable for children. You have been warned.

Okay, so years ago while at work one of my co-workers brought an energy drink with her. We were examining the contents of said drink and one ingredient in particular stood out among the rest.

The ingredient was Horny Goat Weed.

I have always wondered exactly what the heck this ingredient was, what use it has, and where it got it's name. So tonight my roommates and I did some research. This is what we found.

The proper name for Horny Goat Weed is Epimedium. It is also known as Barrenwort, Fairy Wings, Bishop's Hat, and Rowdy Lamb Herb. It is an aphrodisiac that was, according to legend, discovered by a Chinese man who "noticed sexual activity in his flock after they ate the weed".

Don't ask me why I felt the need to post this. I really have no clue.

Some energy drinks that have this ingredient:
Socko
Crunk!!!
And something called Energy Drink Love Potion, or something like that.

For further information click the link below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epimedium#Medicinal_uses

And We're Dreaming Once More

I had another cool dream last night. It wasn't as trippy as the last one I posted, but I still really, REALLY liked this one!

In the dream I was an assistant to a man who ran his own business from his home. He was some kind of rich inventor. His house was huge and he had all sorts of different people--business associates, employees, and household staff--running around all over the place downstairs. His office was located upstairs, so as to avoid any distractions from the people downstairs.

I had a stack of files that needed to be sorted through and since it was rather hectic on the main floor I took my work upstairs in an attempt to find enough peace and quiet to get the job done. When I got upstairs the housekeeper, an older woman, was putting laundry away. She saw me and, with a stern look on her face, said, "Don't disturb him! He's working!"

From where I stood I could see right into my boss' office. He was indeed working, frantically it seemed.

"I'm not going to disturb him," I told her in as calm a voice as I could muster, though it was difficult because her constant nagging about it was becoming annoying. "These files need to get done, with or without his help, and if I'm going to do it I need somewhere quieter than the zoo downstairs."

She simply huffed and went off about young people having no respect or something like that. I stood there rolling my eyes and waiting patiently for her monologue to finish. I noticed that my boss had stopped what he was doing. I looked over at him and saw that he was staring at me, intrigued. I quickly looked away, avoiding eye contact. However, I couldn't keep my eyes averted for long. When I looked back at him he smiled and then started making faces at me.

I laughed which earned me a stern look from the housekeeper which said "What did I tell you about disturbing him!?"

In my defense I replied, "Don't worry, he's still working. I just had a funny thought is all. I'm sorry."

She glared at me and then continued her work. The butler, who had arrived sometime during these events and was now standing behind the housekeeper, waved to get my attention. As I watched him he tried to sign something to me. I looked at him confused and shook my head, indicating that I had no idea what he was saying. The housekeeper saw my movement and looked at me. I smiled sweetly at her and she returned to her task. This time the butler's actions were more clear. He wanted me to take the back stairs down to the main floor and then come back up the front stairs. Why I was to do this was beyond me, but I did as I was told.

Once downstairs I heard the butler telling the housekeeper she was needed downstairs. Realizing that whatever the reason for my returning to the second floor was, the housekeeper was not to know about it. I began creeping up the front stairs when she came into the room. She flashed me an accusing look. I lied, telling her that I had left something upstairs. She just "humphed" and walked away.

I came back to the room where the butler was and asked what was going on. He then pointed and I turned to see my boss standing in the doorway of his office, leaning against the frame. The butler smiled, gave a nod to his employer and then left. I was more confused than before.

"I wanted to talk to you without getting a lecture from Mrs.________ (don't know what her name was)," my boss explained. I nodded in understanding, wondering what in the world he wanted to talk to me about.

At first the conversation had been filled with just some small talk; "How are you?" "Are you enjoying the work?" things like that. And then he shifted a little, almost nervously, and said, "I have two tickets for the opera tonight." I stared at him, uncertain of what he was getting at. "Do you like the opera?"

"I've never really been to one, but I do enjoy music and the theater," I told him.

"Would you like to go with me?"

I was shocked, to say the least. My boss, who was a bit older and by no means unattractive, was asking me to accompany him to the opera, was asking me on a date.

"Sure," I said, surprised that I was able to speak at all.

"Alright then, the show starts at 7, we'll leave at 6."

I left the room still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.

Later, I'm not sure if it was before or after the opera, though I am inclined to think it was before, I went back to his office to ask him something and found the door slightly ajar and two people talking inside. I didn't want to eavesdrop but I didn't want to interrupt either, so I stood outside the door and only half listened until I discovered they were talking about me. I listened closer.

"His name is Scott Taber," the butler was telling my boss, "and it would seem he has been keeping tabs on your assistant."

"'Keeping tabs'?" my boss asked. "What do you mean?"

"We're pretty sure he's been stalking her."

I was stunned. I recognized who they were talking about, but I had never even realized I was being followed around by the guy!

"Keep an eye on him," my boss said. There was a hint of worry in his voice, and something else. Like he was being protective of me, but not in that "You're my friend and I am concerned for your well being" kind of way. It was more than that.

And thus ends the dream. *sigh* Why can't dreams ever work themselves out before you wake up??? So aggravating...

Spotlight: Mom

I have been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life and about how blessed I am to have them in my life. As a result, I have decided that once a week I am going to do a "spotlight" on one of these people, beginning with members of my family. I have a lot of people that I love dearly, so I am confident that I will never run out of people to talk about. :)

My first spotlight goes out to my mom, Janette, who passed away two and a half years ago. I can't tell you what my earliest memory of her is, but I have plenty of memories in general to share.

When we were younger my mom would read to us. She would sit in our room with us (the four youngest girls all shared a room) and she would read fairytales, stories about people in the scriptures, Dr. Seuss, but mostly what I remember is reading the Wizard of Oz series.

When I was in the 2nd grade I got sick. At first I just broke out in red spots and my joints would swell up. Eventually however we discovered that I had a disease called Henoch Schonlein Purpura. I made a couple of trips to the hospital, and once I had to spend the night. I remember my mom being there with me, something that I greatly appreciated.

My mom had diabetes and with it came heart problems. When I was in elementary school she had her first heart attack. I was asleep when it happened, so the next morning when we were all getting up for family prayers my dad told us all what had happened. I remember being scared, but other than that there isn't much else. This was just the first of my mom's visits to the hospital.

I remember mom coming to band concerts and other performances. While I am sure we would have been alright if she hadn't come, we always loved it when she did.

It was always our goal to make her cry whenever we gave her gifts (not because she was sad mind you, but because she was touched by the gifts we gave her) and as the years passed it became harder and harder to do it. I think one of the most memorable times when we made mom cry was when we gave her a Lego version of her dream house, complete with Lego people representative of her family. I still have the image of her surprised face in my mind.

Her favorite Disney Princess was Aurora. She loved watching the Santa Clause movies whenever she didn't feel well. She loved to crochet (there are quite a few people with a crocheted item from mom) and she loved crafts in general.

Mom was a writer. She loved stories and I remember the countless times when I would tell her about my own stories and how she was always happy to hear about them. She was also an artist, mostly drawing but she did have a few paintings as well as some ceramics.

Mom passed away May 31, 2009. I remember thinking it was all just a horrible nightmare that I was going to wake up from. But when the nightmare didn't end, I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I went to work like I was supposed to, kept going on with my life, though it was never easy. It's still hard. I was tasked with speaking at my mom's funeral and while I tried as hard as I could, words wouldn't come to me. I stayed up late the night before trying to think of something to say. I finally talked to my dad about it. He told me to talk about her family, her kids especially.

During the viewing as people offered their condolences I sat busily writing down everything that I could. By the time the viewing was over, I had finished jotting down what I wanted to say. I was nervous, mostly because I knew I would cry, but everything went smoothly. I still have the notebook with what I said.

I dream about my mom every now and then. About two months after she died I had a dream about her, one that while I don't remember everything that happened, I do remember hugging her, smelling that smell of freshly cleaned clothes that she always had, sitting down and talking with her about something or other. I remember waking up and feeling the empty hole in my chest and wishing that it hadn't been a dream, wishing that I could keep dreaming about her just so that I could be near her.

I think the hardest dream I ever had about her was just a day or two after that first one. It was a dream within a dream, and in the first part my mom would be alive, but then I would "wake up" and she would be dead. I got to a point where, going back and forth between "reality" and "dreaming" I couldn't tell which was real and which was not. Finally, I came to a point where I admitted to myself that my mom wasn't alive anymore, and so that part was just a dream. It hurt, a lot, and I remember feeling the emptiness again when I woke up, but it was something that I think I needed. For those first few months after my mom's death it kind of felt like I was on auto-pilot. I needed to face reality so that I could move on with my life and do it in a way that would make my mom proud.

There have been many times when I have missed my mom, but just as many, if not more, when I have felt her near. Once when I sprained my ankle really bad I was having a hard time sleeping because of the pain. I could feel my mom there, even felt her embracing me, letting me know it was okay. Any time that I have really needed her, she has been there.

I feel her especially close when I go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead. I think about her a lot and wonder if any of the people I am doing work for has been taught by my mom on the other side, and it makes the experience that much better.

My mom was an incredible woman. She didn't judge people and she loved everyone. She had an incredible amount of patience (she had to to raise 9 kids. :P ) and she was always willing to give and receive hugs, even if she wasn't feeling so good. I never doubted that my mother loved me. You could always see it in her face, even when she as upset. She influenced so many people in her lifetime and I hope that I can be just as influential as she has been.

Argh...

As a general rule, I like people. I do my best not to be judgmental, especially of them that I haven't officially met, try to be the bigger person in a situation that is less than pleasant, but sometimes people really just irk me.

My roommates and I decided that we want to do date nights at least once a month in an attempt to broaden our horizons in the dating world. With our first official date night coming up some of us have selected the guys we would like to go with.

Well, tonight myself and another of my roommates intended to ask our desired dates while attending a social event, since both of them would be present. Much to our dismay, the guys we selected seemed to constantly be in the presence of other girls and to be honest, I think it's weird to ask a guy out while he is with a girl (or several) that is not related to him and may potentially like him. So, we chose to wait until after the social and visit them at their apartments.

Just as we were getting ready to leave my date choice wandered away from the girls to get a drink. He paused at the coolers and I realized this was my chance to ask him. I told my roommates it was time to go, all the while watching to make sure that he didn't wander back to the group. He didn't and so I went to spark up a conversation with him.

When I reached him he was talking to some other guys. It's not as weird to ask a guy out while he's with one or two other guys instead of girls, but it's still weird. There came a pause in the conversation (by this time it was just date choice and one other guy) so I started out by asking how he was doing. The other guy left to go do other things and I continued to swap small talk with the guy of my choice. I asked how school was, the classes he was taking, and eventually I asked what his major was.

By this point the girl that had been sitting next to him at the table (who by the way didn't seem to think it necessary for her to walk up and join him again until after I had his attention) was standing by us, though she was turned a different direction. I saw her out of the corner of my eye and I hoped that she would either walk away or at least keep her attention elsewhere so I could ask him.

After learning what his major was he asked me if I knew what I was going into. I told him Theater and he replied, "Really? Are you in the show?"

"Not this one," I told him.

Other girl, who now was fully facing us, said, "Oh darn." She had a smile on her face and to a passerby it would appear as if she were being nice, but there was an underlying tone to it that at this moment I can't quite put my finger on it, but it definitely wasn't positive.

I tried to continue the conversation but by this point I was irritated and feeling rather insignificant and inferior to this other girl. So I cut the conversation short and told him I would see him later. As I turned to walk away, not even a full second after he said "Bye" the other girl picked up a conversation with him.

I am not going to lie, it hurt, and it really ticked me off to no end. I really wanted to smack her.

I know that I shouldn't let it get to me, and I should try to give her the benefit of the doubt since I don't know her (heck, I don't even know her name) but it's really hard. Ugh...girls just really tick me off sometimes.